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Back Off Mom!

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by Leora Pushett
 
I had an interesting exchange with a friend recently. She was excited that her daughter, who has been disenchanted with Jewish life for the last few years, had recently visited Israel and seemed to be a little bit more engaged with Judaism.
 
This wasn’t the first time I had encountered an emotional parent. A few years ago, another friend called me in distress. A lover of Israel, she had raised her children while displaying, at all times, an enthusiasm for the State that she was sure they would inherit. On the eve of his day school senior trip to Israel, her son was not overly effusive about how he felt about the Jewish homeland. In tears, she called and said, “I thought I raised him to love Israel!” My response at that emotional moment was the same as my response to my friend the other day. 
 
“Your child needs to work out what s/he believe in for him/herself.”  
 
Kids often need space and time to determine whether they are maintaining a particular value or practice because that’s what they’ve been taught to do or because they themselves believe that it is a valid and/or valuable. This “time out” that young adults take for themselves is unnerving, even threatening to parents who are certain that they instilled all the correct values and lessons in their progeny. They take it personally. Parents feel challenged or inadequate, shunned or  ignored. Often, I have found, parents are so zealous in imparting the facets of life that are dear and important to them, that they don’t realize, as their children get older and start to think for themselves, that there might be questions or clarification or a need to ease up on the enthusiasm.  “I’m so certain and I know best so my children have to do/believe/support, etc.”  As a parent, it takes confidence to honestly reflect and possibly accept that “I was kind of intense” or “I never stopped to discuss with my child how s/he feels about X." 
 
In essence, we coerce our children into thinking and acting in a particular way, and as they mature they start to analyze, contemplate, reflect and ask themselves, “Is this something I actually value or is it just something my parents have told me to value?”  For some young people it’s a no-brainer, but for others it requires time and distance. Distance from parents, and often distance from the practice or value itself… until they can make their own determination. They need to ponder and explore without a parent infusing, instructing, inculcating, insisting or intruding. They need to get away from direction and expectation and find out what they expect from themselves. They need to put aside who you’ve told them to be in order to find out who they actually are.
 
Don’t alienate them through your need to be “right” or to exert control over them. Look in the mirror and be honest with yourself.  You probably acted similarly with the adults in your life in the course of becoming the person you are today. Afford your son or daughter the same opportunity to become the intelligent, independent, unique person you dreamed they would one day be.
 
A week into the senior trip, my friend once again called me, crying. Her son had called home to inform his parents that he will be joining the Israel Defense Forces after high school.  He fought in last summer’s war, finished his service in April and will be starting university in Israel in the fall. 
 
It seems he did love Israel. He just had to know it for himself.

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