Words that Hurt

Yesterday, I posted a link on my Facebook Timeline to a crowdfunding appeal from a 19 year-old American Jewish teen who spent a year in Israel last year and wants to return for a second year. In his appeal, he said he, “just got back from a year in Yeshiva. It was the most influential year of growth in my life and my dream is to go back for a second year. I have worked and saved some money and gotten some additional financial support. The Yeshiva program will work with me on the cost for the year.  I am close but now need to raise $4,000 in order to go. Please help me to fund this dream. Thank you so much!!”

 

I was touched by the ambition of an American Jewish teen who has a dream to return to Israel to study Torah. I don’t know the young man, but I made a modest donation and shared it with my Facebook friends, thinking that others may also want to help him get back to Israel.

 

Almost immediately, the comments started rolling in. And they were not kind. The comments included anger, hostility and harsh judgements.

 

He should just get a job and not ask for handouts.

 

He should come to Israel and join the army.

 

If his parents aren’t willing to support him returning to Israel, he should stop dreaming.

 

One woman claimed, in all seriousness, that crowdfunding campaigns give her permission to moralize about other people’s lifestyle choices.

 

Another person wrote “Israel doesn't need more Yeshiva boys who are not willing or able to support themselves and their families. Please get yourself a profession (sic), find a job and figure out how you can contribute to the Israeli economy and society before you come here!”

 

I was shocked. At first, I tried responding to the comments, urging people to judge him more kindly, to see that he was a young man who was inspired by his year in Israel and who, by his own admission, worked and saved money, but is still short of his goal and is asking for help to get back to yeshiva.

 

Then I deleted all the negative comments. But I couldn’t stop thinking about how easily people responded with invective. About 12 hours later, I posted this pledge.

 

 

So far, it’s been liked 58 times, commented on 20 times and shared 3 times, which tells me I’m not alone in facing this challenge.

 

Many people are familiar with the concept of lashon ha’ra – the requirement to avoid gossip and evil speech. In Judaism, there is a similar, but less well-known concept called ona’at devarim – causing pain with one’s words. “The sin of hurting another’s feelings deliberately is called ona’at devarim (Vayikra 25:17). It applies to words or gestures which makes others feel shamed, humiliated or unimportant. This includes name-calling, criticism, ridicule, sarcasm, teasing and humiliating punishments,” teaches Jewish author and educator Dr. Miriam Adahan.

 

For all the good it does connecting people, educating the public about important causes and helping people maintain relationships across the world, Facebook makes ona’at devarim way too easy.

 

It’s Elul. The month before Rosh Hashana. Our Sages refer to Rosh Hashana as Yom HaDin, the Day of Judgement. We do teshuva, try to polish our character, lest we be judged harshly. Yesterday’s Facebook experience was a spiritual lesson to me, reminding me, by way of an emotionally-charged, experiential teaching, to be as careful with my words as others are careless.

 

Both on and off Facebook.