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Rabbi Dr. Goldie Milgram Question: How to handle overnight unmarried guests?
How to Handle Overnight Unmarried Guests:
Hosting a single person as an overnight guest falls under the mitzvah called hachnassat orchim, "receiving guests," which is an aspect of chessed—showing lovingkindness [Leviticus 19:18; Rashi 127b s.v. hachi] A single guest in Talmud-speak often means a wayfarer, someone coming to town needing temporary lodging, typically a stranger, and for our purposes perhaps also a single friend, acquaintance, extended family member, or visiting scholar. Hosting guests is a such a powerful mitzvah that the Talmud teaches: "Hospitality to wayfarers is greater than welcoming the Presence of the Shechinah (G*d)." [Talmud, Shabbat 127a] In this article we will look at what that might mean in the context of hosting a single guest. Several questions will help launch our exploration of this powerful open question: What if you, the host, are also single? This circumstance makes it importance to keep in mind the specific mitzvah "lifnei iver lo titeyn michshol--refrain from setting a stumbling block before those who are (literally or metaphorically) blind"—be it the guest, or yourself who could be subject to temptation. Further, we live in litigious times, where there are no additional eyes to speak to your exercise of integrity. It is prudent to attempt to find an alternate host or to add a second guest. And if you have a family at home? In our times it is important to check out how safe the person might be and as the Chofetz Chayyim teaches--when lodging a stranger do so "if possible, in a private room." [Ahavat Hessed: The Love Of Kindness, 3:2] Must one accommodate food needs of a guest? There's so much of this these days. Today we know so much more about diet and health than in ancient times. The mitzvah of pikuach nefesh—saving a life and shmirat ha-guf—caring for the body, certainly apply here. Be sure to inquire about allergies and preferences and to avoid putting tempting foods in front of those struggling with diabetes, weight issues and such, in accord with the mitzvah of "lifnei iver lo titeyn michshol--refrain from putting a stumbling block before others."
It is also vital that you and your guests have been vaccinated for all communicable diseases if you are a host, or host family, because: In Deuteronomy 4:15 we learn: V'nishmartem m'ode l'nafshoteikhem--greatly guard your souls.” This phrase has long been read in Jewish bioethics as a duty to protect the community from disease. In Kuntres Hanhagot Yesharot, Rabbi Nachman of Breslov teaches: “One must be very, very careful about the health of children...One must inoculate every baby against smallpox before one-fourth (3 months) of the year, because if not, it is like spilling blood (murder).” The Shulchan Aruch Choshen Mishpat 427: 8-10 teaches “it is a "positive commandment--mitzvah assei" to remove anything that could endanger life… be very careful to guard yourself and guard your soul." The Ralbag also offers an essay on parenting in his commentary on the Book of Proverbs which emphasizes the parental role in teaching safe living practices in order to avoid addictions, diseases, and obesity. [Chapter 23] Is one expected to dress up for a guest? While your attire may be so casual as to be revealing when you are home alone or a partner, dressing modestly at home around guests is essential to prevent causing fear or discomfort, or misperceptions regarding your intentions. Dressing nicely, albeit casually at times, shows positive regard for a guest and honoring a guest, is the essence of the mitzvah of hachnassat orchim. Can you leave a single guest alone in the house at a mealtime when you have other plans? Is it better to be late or cancel some of your own activities in order to properly care for your guest? Judaism offers a wonderfully rich and thoughtful wisdom literature in regards to best practices for hosting guests. Many draw particular inspiration from the Biblical story about how Abraham received unexpected guests: "God appeared to him in the plains of Mamre, while he was sitting at the entrance to the tent, in the heat of the day. He looked up and there were three people standing before him. He saw them and ran to greet them from the entrance of the tent, and bowed toward the ground. He said: "My Lord [Adonai—notice this is in singular not plural], if I have found favor in your eyes, please don't leave your servant. Take some water, wash your feet and rest under the tree. I'll go get some bread so you can satiate yourselves and then go on, in as much as you have come your servant's way." And they said: "As you say…[please] do so." So Abraham hurried to the tent, and said, "Hurry! Three measures of fine flour! Knead them and make cakes." Abraham ran to the herd and took a good, tender calf and gave it to the youth who rushed to prepare it. He took cream, milk and the cooked calf and placed these before them. He stood with them, under the tree, while they ate. The mitzvah of hosting guests would have us do similarly--offer a drink, a shower to remove the dust of the road, and time to rest without disturbance while a properly generous meal is prepared and then served with the host staying present. What about inviting an eligible single(s) to one or more meals with your single guest?
While it's not easy to find a life-partner, in Judaism embarrassing someone is "like shedding [that person's] blood." Just as Sefer Hassidim emphasizes that we don't ask for Torah teachings from a guest who might not be knowledgeable, lest we cause embarrassment. So, too, it is inappropriate to assume that a single guest aspires to marriage, or wishes assistance in finding a partner. Guests are entitled to privacy. It is a Jewish tradition to assist those who want help finding a life partner, so if asked and you know of individuals who are openly seeking a mate, by all means share and if your guest so wishes, make efforts to bring them both together. Keep in mind that today we are aware that there is a spectrum of gender, rather than solely two poles, and so respect for nuances in preferences is also important. What if the single guest and you are both looking for a life partner? Readers of this website range across the entire spectrum of Jewish life and learning. In some ultra-Orthodox communities three chaperoned dates are allowed before a decision about engagement must be made; so there would unquestionably be separate host homes. Beyond that point in the spectrum, I recommend reflection on your capacity for self control in order to limit the risk of damaging a potentially good thing by getting too physically close, or emotionally invested, too soon. Meet in public spaces for meals, go to museums and political events, get to know who the other person truly is before allowing their physical energy (and medical history) to further enter your being, i.e., before becoming temporarily blinded and temporally bonded by a premature pheromone or other hormonal/physiological connection.
What if guests wants to bring more guests or non-marital partners of their own to stay overnight in their room(s) or bed(s)?
What principles do you intend to maintain regarding sex between single persons at, or over, the age of consent in your home? Make sure each guest knows your household rules and agrees to uphold them before finalizing plans to host them.
Can I talk about a guest to others? In Judaism, whatever you learn about a person, including a single guest's status, opinions, life story and behaviors is confidential unless there is a threat to life posed by something you've learned--per the mitzvah found in Leviticus 19:16: "Do not go about gossip mongering." We learn from Kahati, among many sources: "One who does not have good character traits and does not represent the epitome of interpersonal conduct "lacks Torah" in the sense that one's Torah study will have no value, and so one's very conduct degrades the majesty of the Torah." The upshot is to think these matters through deeply—your and the guest's personal integrity, health and wellbeing are at stake.
My teacher of blessed memory, Rabbi Zalman Schachter-Shalomi liked to quote the Hassidic aphorism: "The body is the instrument upon which the soul plays life for God." The metaphor of a divine listener and the body as your Stradivarius, may prove helpful to setting boundaries.
What about being late to school, work or religious studies in order to ensure a good visit for your guest? E.g., Escorting them to a destination that's difficult to find?
Rashi's commentary on Genesis 18:1 points out Abraham and Sarah's guests arrived only three days after his "circumcision—brit milah"—which established his covenant as a male to use his image, i.e., body that Torah teaches is made "in the image of God", and accordingly his organ--in healthy and holy ways. Rashi wants us to appreciate how Abraham appears undeterred by the pain in fulfilling his sense of spiritual obligation to guests. Hosting a guest is so primary, that yes, the tradition allows one to be late to studies, even in the beit midrash*, where one engages in religious studies. In the Talmud as cited early in this article, Rav Dimi of Nehardea teaches that hosting guests is more important than arising early to ensure timely attendance at communal learning* with study partners of Jewish sacred texts. The MaHaRaL teaches: "Hospitality is extending honor to God. By inviting a person who has been created in God's image and form—into your house and honoring [that person's] needs—one is in effect, honoring the Divine Presence, and this is greater than according honor to the Torah." Indeed, the story of Abraham and Sarah hosting guests begins with "God appeared to him." How? As guests. He cares for them—his human guests who quite clearly do require drink, food, rest, etc. and then addresses God as present in that encounter as Jews do--directly, "Adonai—My Lord", or "My Threshold", as the root of Adonai, Ehden also means Threshold in Hebrew.
[Notice how he is at the opening to his tent, and through his brit—circumcision—his covenant to live in God-consciousness at the Threshold of his home, of his sexuality, of his encounters. This may be part of the original of placing a mezuzah on every "threshold" of our homes.] Abraham's covenant with God—to live a mitzvah-centered, rather than a self-centered life--extends to every one, as we are all made "b'tzelem elohim—in the image of God". This points to the reason that at the outset of this article the Talmud is cited: "Hospitality to wayfarers is greater than welcoming Presence of the Shechinah." [Divine presence as one might experience in prayer, or during a moment of profound love or awe.] The Maharal explains: "Because when one welcomes the Divine Presence, one does not actually see the Divine Presence, because “a human cannot see Me and live.” [Exodus 33:20] He then explains that each guest, even someone well-known to us, comes with "a new face"…[which is also] the Image of God." [Netivot Olam, Part I, Netiv Gemilut Chasadim, Chapter 4] In his inimitable way, the MaHaRaL shows us how those we know well, when returning as guests, are coming to us with a new face from their life experience--and they are to be received with respect for this within them is an expansion of our encounter with the divine. That said, our tradition would not have you push this to the point where you risk losing life, limb or your job. Healthy self-care comes first. The idea of escorting a guest towards a destination is very much within our tradition. [Mararasha, Sotah 46b] Typically we escort them on their way when they are leaving us—if you live in an apartment, then to the elevator would be appropriate, or from your house out to their car--lest the guest think we are glad to be rid of them. Or further, if the guest is likely to get lost. In conclusion, the implication for your question is that your single guest is the most precious, direct encounter with the divine presence possible for a human. Since a mitzvah-centered life also involves the mitzvot [pl of mitzvah--conscious acts of behavior that is best engaged in or refrained from] of self-care, this article looks at how to do both so that the context remains divine. Question: May a husband and wife with mutual consent (and assuming niddah, seed spilling, etc. are not an issue) use handcuffs or other restraints or toys to spice things up?
[Admininstrator's Note: Related questions can be found on JVO at:
http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/question.php?id=67
http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/question.php?id=486
http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/question.php?id=978
http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/question.php?id=1130]
Yes, it's fine to use toys, restraints and such to spice things up, in moderation, so long as there are no safety or issues of potential betrayal of trust held by either parter. There are actually two mitzvot regarding sexuality, one being p'ru u'r'vu-- to be fruitful and multiply (Genesis1:28.), and the second instance is in Exodus 21:10 where it is written for the husband to ensure he sexually satisfies his wife (Exodus 21:10). Today we would extend this provision to the full range of gender expression in relationships.
There's even a company out there to serve the spices: KosherSexToys.net. While I don't recall the sages specifically writing about couples and bondage, in Daniel Boyarin's scholarly work, Eros and the Jews, you will find examples and sources for a variety of ways to spice things up, including at the back of the Talmud tractate Berachot where the rabbis actually record their dreams, some of which are quite saucy. It is vital to respect that something unwanted by one member of the couple must be kept off limits. If one person's passionate desire for something that is too kinky for the other persists, it is respectful to explore helpful possibilities in the presence of a good sex therapist.
Judaism encouragessexual pleasure, with the understanding it is vital to the formation and sustance of healthy long term relationships. [The Rambam wrote extensively on this; see Shulhan Arukh Even Ha'ezer chap. 76.] Further, so long as neither of you are objecting, everything sexual between just the two of you is permitted. [See the Shulhan Arukh Even Ha'ezer 25:2 with special attention to the opinion of the Rama. The Sheva Brachot, "Seven Blessings" that come at the end of a Jewish wedding and that are repeated through the following week at meals hosted by friends also mentions this factor:
"Blessed Be the Source of Life who created joy and celebration, sacred partnerships (hatan v'kallah, in the original), rejoicing, jubilation, pleasure and delight, love and consideration (rei-ute in the original), peace and friendship..."
Our tradition does indicate that the presence of God is part of the process of conception, and in some far right wing communities there is a strong emphasis on keeping one's mind on the holiness of what is happening. For some, this can become a counter-productive turn-off and barrier to healthy intimacy and conception, and the ultra-Orthodox counseling group Puah is available to help debunk this trend. Indeed, counselors across the spectrum of Jewish life describe on their websites and in their writings that they tend to suggest "spicing things up" when indicated, for long-term relationships can well-benefit from creative interaction. Question: What is the Jewish perspective on genetic sex selection of children? Would the latitude (if any) given to genetically select against diseases apply to selecting for desired properties like intelligence or height?
Pre-conception gender selection is now available in the medical marketplace. Gender selection is not a Jewish practice save for in a very few, case-by-case, determinations related to preventing the transmission of several horrific genetic diseases that are only carried and manifested, as it happens, by males. The method of choice is to do IVF—combine a sperm and egg outside of the womb—and then use PDG—a method of assessing the resulting zygote before it reaches the stage of becoming an implantable embryo (which is when the maternal and paternal gene pools combine). In the absence of a major health issue, selection for gender, intelligence, height, athletic prowess, eye or hair color or other attributes that may become elective as technologies develop, fall outside the domain of Jewish values and practice. None of these are illnesses or diseases. Judaism values those who are different and provides a blessing to say upon viewing a person who looks unusual, the core of which is "mishaneh habriyot—for the diversity of living beings". Gender, our main topic here, we now know, spans a spectrum of possibilities. This has become well documented and far better appreciated in our times than in antiquity. In Western cultures and many others, prejudicial hiring, healthcare, education, etc. based upon gender preferences or differences is now illegal. In the Torah itself, we learn of how the midwives risk their own lives rather than following the pharaoh's decree for them to murder newborn Israelite males. The Talmud, in Tractate Niddah 31, relates a folk tradition for how to ensure a conception will result in a male or female. Many ancient and Middle Eastern cultures have a strong preference for a male first-born. Such ancient biases when manifested in the 21st century are no longer tolerable. Gender selection has already been proven foolhardy, creating imbalances widely reported to be the case in China. There is also a Jewish tradition of trying for at least one boy and one girl that some elect to follow through natural methods of reproduction. This tradition gives absolutely no justification for seeking out gender selection technologies; natural approaches to reproduction are a fundamental mitzvah to be interfered with only when infertility issues produce the need for medical intervention. IVF is not a benign procedure for women, there are risks that make it appropriate only when infertility or serious genetic diseases are involved. Acceptance is a difficult and important spiritual practice evident in all traditions. The Book of Proverbs teaches: "Who is happy? One who is happy with what one has. Ultimately, for differences among humans such as advanced intelligence, significant height, preferred eye color, or other designer baby issues, Judaism would ask us to resist genetic meddling, for all are created b'zelem elohim—in the image of God. Given that we are not privy to how creation manages to attain homeostasis, we need to be gentle and live in yirah—respectful awe of Nature's ways. The Torah teaches that we are not to be destructive of nature, for there is no divine intervention available to set it aright again. Our blessed differences help us to learn and live with compassion. In Jewish tradition souls do not accrue a good name, a keter shem tov, based on their degree of health or physical appearance, but rather upon how we each live mitzvah-centered lives. Diverting expensive medical resources to secure medically unnecessary elective characteristics in our progeny is not a mitzvah, ensuring the equal availability of resources to prevent and treat significant illness and disease most definitely is. Question: I have a question regarding a charitable endeavor my shul is involved in. For many years, we have hosted homeless guests (from a nearby shelter) for a week in our building. About three years ago, we started taking them in during the week of Christmas. Our homeless guests are non-Jews. Someone from our shul contacts the local media (newspapers, TV) so that they would come out to film what we, a Jewish congregation, are doing for these non-Jewish homeless folks on Christmas. I find it very disturbing when the camera crew not only comes into the building, but also wants to go into the social hall/dining room, where our homeless guests usually congregate, to film in this area. I was there last week when the news crew came and, at that particular time, our guests were having breakfast in the dining room. One of our volunteers came to brief the guests about this, stating that, in filming guests at the table, only their hands and feet would be shown. Immediately after she left, all of our guests got up and left the room. I felt awful about this and I too left, in disgust.
Every evening, we take the guests from the shelter, where they stay with us for dinner and sleep in our building overnight. In the morning, we then take them back to the shelter. But because this was Christmas day, the guests were to stay with us the entire day. This was their only day to have a leisurely breakfast, a time when they did not have to hurry to get ready to be taken back to the shelter. I felt that we spoiled their chance to have a (rare) peaceful morning by bringing in this TV crew. In a way, I also feel that we are "using" the homeless to gain attention, honor, and (perhaps) donations from the public for our shul. My own feelings are that we brought embarrassment upon our guests, and I believe it is wrong to shame or exploit the poor, especially for our own aggrandizement. It is my opinion that we should go back to hosting the homeless on a week other than that involving the Christmas holiday. This would solve the problem about causing offense or embarassment to some of our guests, as well as put an end to media coverage of how we, a Jewish organization, shelter the homeless at Christmas. I was wondering what your take on this situation might be.
Your question raises an important issue. The key matter is that of process and the principle of kvod ha-briyut, giving respect to those you are serving. It sounds like, those being served were not invited into the process of deciding whether to be part of a filming opportunity. It is demeaning and depersonalizing to be viewed or treated as the "subject" or "object" of the media, charity or deed. I agree, this was incorrectly undertaken. They might well have agreed to be "poster children", so to speak, for this mitzvah and some might have wanted to be depicted on a broadcast and given a chance to speak. They might have preferred that it be Christmas day, or not Christmas day, one has to ask and engage people in working for their own best interests and not treat them as compeletely incapable dependents. Just because they are homeless or so poor as to need to be fed does not make them speechless or helpless. Further, sometimes those coming to eat wish to help serve, this is part of their dignity, let it happen for those who can handle the task. Having organized and worked for many such programs, Christmas week makes a great deal of sense because it frees some Christians to have time to prepare for their families. This is a long-standing mitzvah within the Jewish people's practice. Also, the filming would not be a commercial for the synagogue unless designed as such, because so many different kinds of religious institutions take turns offering such programs. Local filming does encourage people to "think global, act local" and could be a valuable basis for attracting volunteers needing meaningful opportunities to be of service, for attracting people needing food who often do watch a lot of television in small rooms, bars and live often live lives of quiet desperation, while also emphasizing the injustice of a wealthy society that doesn't ensure enough work, food, and mental health care to attend to its citizens. Helping the media to interpret what they are seeing in more interesting and useful ways is also an important volunteer project. Process is what seems to have been missing, a healthy process of eager volunteers acting in concert with those seeking and accepting support. There is a phrase in the Jewish grace after meals, the birkat ha-mazon that holds one of the dreams of goodness of our people for the human future, this how I interpret it, others do so somewhat different based on options in the grammar: Na'ar Hayiti v'gam zakanti v'lo raiti tzadik ne'ezov v'zaro me'vakesh lachem I was a youth and also an elder and I never saw a righteous person who let himself forget a stranger seeking bread May we be blessed with the strength and inner peace necessary to support all beings with dignity. Question: How do I respond to my adult children's objections to burying my husband's ashes at Arlington vs. the local cemetery (that is out of my price comfort level). My husband served 2 years as LCMC.
[Admininstrators note: Related questions are found on Jewish Values Online here:
http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/question.php?id=178 and
http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/question.php?id=223.]
I recommend that you begin by focusing on the most important element of this situation, having a positive relationship with your adult children. The emotional cost of responding by overriding their objections is the expense to be concerned with here. So begin by exploring their objections – what feelings about their father are wrapped up in their concerns? Even as a new widow, you are still their mother and they are likely to need your care and listening, just as you might welcome theirs. They might come to the point of removing their objections, or creative options might emerge from a healthy process. It is a healthy process and sustaining important living relationships that matter most at this time.
Your fiscal concerns are important, prioritizing funds for your life is quite reasonable. Most likely there is more going on for you, too. What feelings do you have about the location and process for interring his ashes? Were his years of LCMC service an important part of his life story? Does Arlington resonate as meaningful in the overall picture of his life? Is most of the family buried together and will an Arlington burial disrupt a pattern appreciated by the family? Has cremation led to a loss of the traditional Jewish ritual-fullness that supports healthy mourning? Or was a memorial service and shiva undertaken? Might some form of memorial ritual and mourning practice be helpful at this point? To lower the level of conflict and avert long-term hard feelings, listen for your children's feelings and reflect back what you hear, non-judgmentally. Invite them to do the same for you. Then quietly, each person makes a list of options that could work well to meet everyone's needs. For example, these adult children might be able to understand your fiscal concerns and offer to share in offsetting the costs of burying the ashes. Or brainstorming might lead to placing the ashes in your garden and buying a bench with a plaque in his memory. There are a vast number of creative possibilities for addressing the feelings underlying the overt issues of "where" and "how much." Clarity of what is really needed is needed comes from identifying and meeting the needs of all of the primary mourners. However rational the fiscal issues might seem, the emotional issues are not rational, they are simply real and very important.
Talking with them about the music he loved, vignettes from his life, getting together to look at family pictures and then, exploring the interment options, if possible, could be helpful. Focus on relationship building, and the holy process of integrating his loss. You might find it easiest to do this exploration with a well-trained grief counselor or Jewish chaplain/rabbi present in a supportive role with bias towards no single member of the family's concerns, opinion or needs. Or, your family might be strong and kind enough to process this together. I want to emphasize "process" versus the term you supplied "respond"—relationships are a process and maintaining healthy loving connections for the hopefully many years to come is the most important consideration in the scenario you have presented, IMHO. Question: Can and should a woman nominate someone to say Kaddish on her behalf?
I encourage everyone who is in the position to say Kaddish to do so yourself. Why? Because the process is designed to help the mourner integrate the loss and it has been a great source of pain and trauma to women over those generations where this was disallowed. This question has arrived on my father's yartzeit, the anniversary of the ascent of his soul when I, a woman, will go to synagogue and say Kaddish for him.
Why will I not nominate a man to say Kaddish in my place? The time when women were unable to find congregations which would allow us to participate in the profoundly healing process known as saying Kaddish is long past. Kaddish is designed to help us heal--from loss of those we deeply love and those who did not love us enough, or even hurt us. It is a time of reflection when we are not meant to be alone. The container of a community around us as we rise really matters. When we take our turn and the process works in healthy and holy ways. While the words may begin as unfamiliar Aramaic sounds, they gradually become a soul-soothing mantra that allows us to stand up in the supportive container of community in order to honor and better integration the loss. When the first of my parents died, a friend helped me to rise for kaddish the first time, my knees were weak, my sadness overwhelming. We drew even closer in this way, the path of Jewish spiritual practice is such a great blessing when we take Kaddish upon ourselves. There are occasions where it does make sense to nominate a person from anywhere in the range of gender to say kaddish -- for you. This is when we have had no children, or none who will survive us. When I ran a Holocaust Archive of depositions of survivors and Allied WWII Soldiers, 5 survivors whose children had all died in the camps asked me to be their Kaddishele, their Kaddish-sayer. So long as I live, I will honor their yartzeits, and my parents, with all of my being. There was a time when women were chattel, owned by men, and had no rights to stand up with our voices, visions, views and values. We had no rights to the healing process known as Kaddish, men couldn't imagine themselves staying home to watch the children while we went to minyan to honor our deceased. Some ideas and resources for you: a. "Configuring Grief in Spiritual Terms" by Rabbi Anne Brener is an article available for free, on-line. Her book Mourning and Mitzvah is exceptional, the best guide of the dozens I've ever considered.
b. A Woman's Book of Grieving by Nessa Rapoport, like Anne's book above, I typically gift this tiny, spiritually profound book to women friends and my private Jewish spiritual direction clients who are grieving.
b. "Honor" by Rabbi Phil Cohen is a reflection on a very painful father-son relationship and the impact upon him of saying Kaddish out of a sense of obligation. This can be found in the volume Mitzvah Stories: Seeds for Inspiration and Learning.
c. Here is a link to one of an inclusive interpretation of Kaddish. d. There are those who feel unable to say Kaddish out of the outrages of history-induced anger at God. Here is a link to Paul Robeson chanting a specialized Kaddish, by Rabbi Levi Yitzchok of Berditchev who lived during the time of the pogroms. While it is not the Mourner's Kaddish (there are quite a few types of Kaddish) this might be helpful if this condition is part of your feeling set.
d. These days there are even on-line congregations that one can enter for free to do so from home. (Though it is only honorable and the Jewish way to send a voluntary contribution from time to time, as one does so.) This is particularly meaningful for those who do not live near gender-inclusive congregations, or who are home-bound or in hospital, hospice or other institutional care settings. You will find a number of such options on-line. with blessings upon your life and path, Rabbi Goldie Milgram Question: I was brought up in a secular Jewish home. My grandparents were victims of the Holocaust. We celebrated the major holidays in a non-reigious way but with deep attachment to our Jewish identity, and perpetuating our family traditions. Can I consider myself Jewish in the full sense of the term?
You ask, "Can I consider myself Jewish in the full sense of the term?" You give a fairly mainstream history for a Jewish person in our times. Elders who, sadly, were victims of the Holocaust, celebration of major holidays in a non-religious way, deep attachment to your Jewish identity including perpetuation of family traditions, so I take it that for you, there's Jewish and then there's Jewish. You are writing, it sounds, as a seeker of greater fullness. It's difficult to infer from the written word, so I wonder if I am reading you right?
All that I can tell you is that Jewish "in the full sense of the term," is where the juicy, amazing, value for living within being Jewish can be found. For this our ancestors strove to sustain and evolve our traditions. When I worked for P'nai Or in Portland, Oregon and B'nai Or in Boston, MA, I found such communities. There is such a joy of having a Jewish community connection where people are kind to one another, where Torah study is non-dogmatic, deep, and spiritually profound. Look for where mitzvah-centered, rather than self-centered living is the core ethos. Every branch of Judaism is worthy of your exploration, it takes some exploration, and you will find the places and approaches that are meant for your soul's journey.
There is another kind of fullness, it is finding where your talents, skills and ideas are needed on behalf of the Jewish and human future. The Jewish people is one of the longest continually existing forms of human organization on the planet -- despite all of the unwarranted persecution our ancestors experirenced -- we are still here! In creation that means we have adapted and remain for good reason. Is your role as a peacemaker? As someone who visits those who are ill? As a creator of new Jewish art? As an advocate for justice? As a Jewish journalist who highlights good news or opportunities to fulfill mitzvah needs? Here is a list of possible roles within Jewish life to consider for yourself. http://bmitzvah.org/teachings/holy-rolers-who-are-you-becoming-community There's an incredible fullness that comes from jumping in and being an activist member of the tribe.
Perhaps one of the reasons I was invited to be a commentator for this stie is that I've written a lot on the meaning, relevance and spirituality of Judaism for daily living. You might take a look at the many free pages I've written at www.ReclaimingJudaism.org, or any of the many books I've written that are mentioned there, as well. with blessings for the fullness to which you aspire and a hearty l'shana tova, Rabbi Goldie Milgram Question: My beloved mother, 97 years old, is in intensive care in Buenos Aires, Argentina, I am in Canada, and also sick with bronchitis. My question is: if she seems to be ready to pass (go to olam habah) and wants me to come see her before that happens, but I am not able to go, what should I do. [What obligations do I have to honor my mother's wishes when it affects my own health?]
Since you cannot bring bronchitis into intensive care, other caring alternatives are needed. How painful to be unable to go to be beside her. The first idea that comes straight to mind is to have a friend or staff person at her facility bring their iPad or computer or phone to her bedside so that you can connect face to face, or certainly voice-to-voice, in this remarkable way. Let her know that you have bronchitis and so this is best way you can come to be with her.
Tell her that you love her and treasure her as your mother.
Ask if she has anything she needs that you might organize to help her be more comfortable, and inquire if there's anything she wants you to know at this point on her journey--she may have unfinished bits to share with you.
Refrain from filling in quiet spaces on the call for her, just make space for her to share as slowly, quickly or haltingly as she might need.
Listen and simply reflect back to her accurately and respectfully what she says, whatever it is, this feels comfortable to all people--to know they have been heard.
There's no point in debating a thing, just tender acceptance at such a time will do.
If nothing comes of this strategy of inviting her to speak, she may just want the gift of hearing your voice. You might share a short memory of a favorite time with her.
If she is able, you might ask for her blessing, a Jewish practice reflected in the Torah. This is very empowering for someone who is dying, to have something so appropriate that they can do--to give a blessing to one's child or grandchildren or other dear ones. The response? Something like. Thank you Momma, that was perfect, I love you. Or if not so perfect then some kindly affirmation to help send her soul on its journey in love into Mystery.
May you, yourself, be blessed with healing from the bronchitis and a gentle, holy and healthy grieving process. Question: My brother recently married a non-Jewish woman. I went to the wedding, not because I wanted to, but because my mother insisted I go. My husband and I sat in a corner with our kosher store-bought sandwiches (no kosher food in sight) and made a presence. It was a very uncomfortable evening, and has led to even more questions for me. I love my brother very much and want to be part of his life, but I truly do not want to be around his non-Jewish wife. We do not live in the same city, so it's not like we run into each other frequently, but I am not sure what I am supposed to do for the occasions that we do meet. I would consider myself modern Orthodox and my brother has gone beyond non-observant; he now considers himself an atheist. What is the Jewish view on these situations? Does one just try to be polite to the non-Jewish spouse to maintain a relationship with the Jewish family member? My husband and I hope to have a family soon. How do you handle exposing your children to something you are teaching them is wrong? I know the fact that I do not want to be at a table (or in the same room) as his wife hurts my mother tremendously (she does not like what my brother has done either, but fears losing him). Is my difficulty with my brother and his wife a lack of respect for my mother as her children cannot spend quality time together? I know there are several questions listed here. I thank you in advance for your assistance with this.
Both you and your mother feel deeply pained; perhaps the word betrayed isn't too strong, that your brother has married someone who is not Jewish. This is not what you hoped your sibling would do, or model for your own children. Your mother values an intact family and you honored her wishes by attending the intermarriage and brought your kosher food along, as so many of us do under such circumstances, as well. You wish guidance for how to relate to the competing values in your situation, and question exposing your children to something you think is wrong. Breaking up a family by withdrawing contact is a major trauma that creates a tragic pattern in families. It can be hurtful even to your future children. You presumably love your brother in more ways than any marriage could damage, and will care for him and those he loves over time. There can be so much good that transpires when you shift your focus to loving connections by the mitzvah of hakarat hatov, showing gratitude for all that is good in your brother and his family—support the good and be revealed as a good and caring person yourself. All things change—leave room for that possibility. Religious rigidity can damage important future possibilities; also remember, if you realize you don't like her as a person that he and the children will need your support even more. Not all marriages last. We had your experience in our own family when one family member who is quite frum (religious) announced he was going to cut his sibling off for converting to Christianity some years after intermarrying. When we encouraged him to speak with his Rav, he was surprised to learn the tradition of "sitting shive for someone who intermarries or leaves the fold" is not in Jewish law. Instead he was encouraged to stay in connection with his sibling, to offer to study Torah together, to show caring and to remain a faithful sibling. Twenty years later, she is returning to her Judaism, bringing a bat mitzvah-age daughter in this direction. Thank God, no one shunned or shamed her. (If it's a liberal Jewish wedding, I will attend in the manner you did, if it's a Christian or other religion's wedding, we only go to the reception to be with family but not support the dogma of the other tradition coming into a Jewish home. Rabbi/Priest weddings, are no go for us, children can't choose for themselves, that was a weird idea of the past generation...children deserve to learn and develop inside of a healthy tradition where, however, other religions aren't demonized.)
And what of the issue of modeling to your children? If you live in a frum community, that's done amply. They also need to understand the greater world and be able to navigate that. Self-ghettoizing have serious and growing rates of youth rebellion in our times. You are better served to simply treat your brother and his life with loving inclusion, while emphasizing to G*d willing, your future children, the beautify of two Jews co-creating a Jewish home at times when it is not at all able to be interpreted as disrespect of their uncle. Question: Should my wife be buried with her family at their family plot or should we buy two new plots and be buried side by side?
This is primarily a matter of regional, familial and congregational custom. Being buried in a Jewish cemetery near parents and grandparents is a long-standing practice, just as the patriarchs Jacob and Joseph requested. [Talmud, Baba Batra 110b; Yoreh Deah 266:3; Bereishit/Genesis 50:25] Another practice is to be buried in Israel, which is considered to be a precious privilege. [Bereishit/Genesis 48:30].
It can be comforting for a person to choose his/her body's final resting place. When pre-deceasing a spouse, some elect to be buried with family in order to signal his/her blessing for the surviving spouse to heal and one day find a new life partner. Ideally a second grave is available in this place, as well, as a future option.
When feasible, having family members in the same cemetery, even if space requires placement in a distant section, affords the powerful opportunity and mitzvah to visit. Walking friends, children and grandchildren among the memories that can be occasioned by the headstone names affords us the mitzvah of zachor, remembering and processing their importance--for good and unfortunately, sometimes not, in our lives. Keeping a map in your files along with stories (and health information) about family with their plot numbers can help family grow healing roots and curious connections that might prove important on the remarkable journey called life.
Those in halachic communities, i.e., followers of the patriarchal flow of Jewish law, may find this article to be helpful. Those desiring information about each spiritual practice in the Jewish dying, funeral and mourning process might seek out my book Living Jewish Life Cycle: How to Create Meaningful Jewish Rites of Passage for Every Stage of Life (Jewish Lights Publishing).
Question: My son wishes to volunteer to help disabled children in a program that takes them in a pool in a local church. Given halacha re: entering churches and mixed swimming is this permissible?
The life-saving mitzvah of helping disabled children, and all children, to learn to swim is a mitzvah. The church providing the use of their pool is also a mitzvah in my book, you won't need to use the sanctuary. A pool's a pool (except when it's a mikveh, which is a very different kind of question).
Mixed gender swimming restrictions are followed by some Orthodox Jews to avoid being drawn into sexual transgression, primarily the ultra-Orthodox emphasize the issue of gender alure under such circumstances. The rest of us emphasize developing self-control. If your path is in Orthodoxy then working out how to do this mitzvah needs to be discussed with your rabbi or rebbe. Otherwise, by all means represent our people's mitzvah-centered ways by wearing a modest swim suit and then, with healthy boundaries of your own, dive right in to help out!
Question: My wife and I have no sexual relations, which I find frustrating. Masturbating has become the norm. I feel that divorce may be necessary, because I am missing the closeness of a relationship. I am Jewish and she is not.
What do you advise?
Oh my, what a lonely scenario you describe, notably devoid of any evidence of joy, love or even affection. You make a point of noting your differences and state that you feel divorce may be necessary. I strongly recommend you seek out professional, in person face-to-face counseling – marriage and individual counseling with two separate professionals. Why two? So if you do split, you will have someone to help you along on the next chapter of life. After divorce the person one needs most to get to know well--is oneself.
The absence of sexual relations, in and of itself, happens in the face of misunderstanding, illness and for a small percentage, with aging. While Jewish law rules against masturbation, especially when conception might be possible, only a small percentage of Jews follow that guideline. The absence of encoupled intimacy is, indeed, uncomfortable, sad and a great misfortune for you. Many couples ripen in loving intimacy with time and conscious living and learning, often with help from a professional. I encourage you to seek professional support before giving up on a marriage.
Here is a starter question: If you were alone in the woods talking to God about your marriage, what would you pour out? And if you were to pray about your marriage - what would your prayer be?
with blessings for a better chapter of life to be just around the corner, R'Goldie Milgram
Question: At the beginning of my relationship, I communicated clearly to my s.o. that I considered pornography to be infidelity. My partner agreed that he would stop. He continued for years without my knowledge, even lying about his computer being broken in order to hide his use. At points he even described his use an an addiction. This deceit went on for 6 years. According to Jewish Law, is it fair to consider this infidelity equal to a physical betrayal?
[Administrator's note: See an earlier related question and answer on JVO at http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/question.php?id=304]
As your note reveals, your husband goes to great lengths to lie to you and to deceive you. This is classic behavior for virtually all addicts. The need for whatever it is that a person becomes addicted to – pornography, gambling, alcohol, drugs, etc., becomes his/her primary, and roles like husband/wife or parent, secondary. As you spell out so clearly, you husband has been untrue to you and instead, faithful to the demands of his addiction. The neuro-chemistry of addiction is such that addicts also lie to themselves, as well: " Just this once more…I'm entitled to this pleasure…those girls can't really be as underage as they look…I'm not depriving my wife of my attention because I am shameful and disgusting and she doesn't love or want me anyway…" He isn't being willfully evil, he is ill. Pornography addiction is a documented illness and requires treatment that no spouse can provide.
To answer your specific question, to my reading of Jewish tradition, being addicted to pornography is not technically equivalent to body-to-body infidelity, it just breaks many other Jewish ethical laws and values. Even so, knowing those values, customs and laws or telling them to your spouse won't override the thrall of addiction, even if he is saying: "if it's infidelity under the rules of Judaism then prove it to me." Please reference the responses by other rabbis for details on these Jewish values. But I won't go on about them here, because they won't help you. The issue in the face of an addiction in the family actually is what exactly are you going to do to help yourself given the painful circumstance and betrayal of trust in which you find yourself continually? Perhaps another underlying question is: Can your marriage be saved? You don't give us many details about your relationship such as mitigating issues like whether you are disabled and perhaps unable or unwilling to fulfill your partner's sexual needs, or have unusual fears or needs that might require a sex therapist to put things back on track. Assuming good basic health, the first thing spouses of addicts require is help with setting and keeping healthy relationship boundaries, as in working on yourself rather than trying to fix your partner. Years of living with an addict inclines a person to think peculiarly, it's not your fault, this happens wherever there is an addict. Please read the little $5 (or so) book Addictive Thinking: Understanding Self Deception by Rabbi Abraham Twersky. He explains this graphically and I hope reading his work(s) will motivate you to secure a CAC therapist to work with you, the non-addicted spouse, a Certified Addictions Counselor. No generalist social worker, psychologist, psychiatrist, psychotherapist or spiritual guide will suffice. CAC certification in my opinion is essential. It is very difficult to be effective with addicts and their family, finding a quality CAC, will be your best chance at saving yourself and your marriage. Rabbi Abraham Twerski has dedicated much of his life to providing help and resources to those who are in relationship with someone suffering an addiction, as well as those who are addicted. Look for his seminars and retreats and also reach out to your local Jewish Family Service, they may offer programs for the spouses of addicts or have recommendations for you. JACS, Jewish Alcoholics and Chemically Dependent Significant Others may welcome someone in your situation, or have a good referral for you.
Definitely reach out to Alanon for help. Alanon is a 12 Step-style program for families of addicts. By participating in an Alanon group, you will learn how to draw and hold your own lines in the sand, be listened to with understanding and honesty by those in a similar position. Your group will help you to discover surprising distortions in your own ways of being that arise from being in relationship with an addict and probably also from prior family-of0origin patterns that may still be unconscious to you. You will begin to change in healthy and holy ways that will affect your whole family system.
Ultimately any untreated addiction will destroy a marriage, in my experience as a rabbi and social worker. Beware trying to shame or blame an addict into change—doesn't work and may send them to drugs and/or alcohol as co-addictions are common. Your clear new boundaries that will come with your own progress and evolution will make all the difference; you will begin to recognize their distorted thinking patters and not get pulled into an old painful, dysfunctional dynamic. Taking care of yourself, letting the other person know "Because I love you and I want to have a good future with or without you, I am getting help for myself. I absolutely will not support your habit in any way. I pray that you will one day accept help, until that time x and y apply regarding me and my person." A CAC and Alanon will help you to carve out a good life going forward, and just maybe keep your family intact.Remember, you can't change your spouse; your spouse has to want and be ready and able to change and actually go for it. Through therapy for yourself as an addict's partner, your own changes will shake up your family system, provide strength and clarity for all involved who are willing and able to join in, and pave the way for your spouse's possible awakening and transformation. This is not guaranteed; you may find yourself one day walking away from the relationship if he doesn't rid himself of his addiction. When a marriage becomes irredeemable, divorce is sanctioned in Judaism, very clearly, right in Deuteronomy. Though I certainly don't wish divorce on anyone. Blessings on your life and highest hopes, Rabbi Goldie Milgram Question: Is revenge or vengeance permissible in Judaism? Has the view of this changed over time?
Is revenge or vengeance permissible in Judaism? Has the view of this changed over time?
What vengeance and revenge look like is seared into my memory from an experience of a few weeks ago. We toured the burned out ruins of Orador sur'Glane, a village in France of non-Jews where a German Waffen SS company commander wrongly believed there to be resistance fighters. First these Nazis bolted all of the women and children into the church. Then they put all of the men into a barn where machine guns were already mounted, shooting them in the legs to slow their deaths, then dousing them with gasoline and burning them to death. The women and children were burned to death in the church; those who broke out were shot to death as they tried to flee. The village was looted by the Nazis and then set entirely afire. The few survivors buried the dead and lived to tell the story. The French government maintains the village as a museum that testifies to the horrors of the Nazi occupation. Lo tikom v'lo titur, hold no grudges and take no revenge are foundational mitzvahs (mitzvot) in Judaism. This is why the military approach to violence, retaliatory attacks are so greatly abhorred by many Jews in regard to numerous Middle East circumstances. Thankfully, we do not live in Biblical times, where the text describes a God that can order vengeance against Israelite enemies (Numbers 31:3] or serve it up "Him"self: [Deut. 32:35] "Vengeance belongs to Me." We live in a time when humans recognize that we can, and must, reign in our impulses. We have indeed "multiplied and filled the face of the earth" – we can destroy everything all too easily when we let the emotions of vengeance rage. Such qualities of response as revenge and vengeance accomplish nothing holy, healthy or helpful to the Big Picture. Even Biblically, only horror results – Dina's brothers slaughter all males of the town of her beloved because of their opposition to intermarriage [Gen 34], in 2 Samuel 13 Absolom's plans for revenging a rape almost destroy the kingdom of David, there are many examples to be found. There is such a thing as justice, based on processes encoded into civil law. Revenge and vengeance are forms of terrorism that turn us into people as evil as the original transgressors of human rights and dignity. Jews are enjoined not to allow ourselves to hate {Lev. 19:17] "within your heart," – we are guided to listen-shema, in order to be able to love, v'ahavata – with all our awareness, soul and ability. Judaism, when we follow it, is a profoundly powerful peace-building tool, and hence, a very honorably challenging set of spiritual practices. May we all be blessd to evolve. Question: My son married a woman who converted to Judaism through the London Beth Din. She now refuses to follow any Jewish practice. Is her conversion still valid?
They have a baby boy who is now a year and a half; will he be considered Jewish?
By the way she forbids me to have any contact with the child. She is highly unstable and also prevents my son from having any contact with me or his brothers.
I am in regular email contact with him. We are a shomer mitzvot family, though I doubt my son keeps anything now.
Dear Sara:
The heartache of a grandparent cut off from a grandchild, no less a son, is one of life's greatest unnatural sufferings. You sound frustrated and sad. I wonder if you also feel betrayed? Are you experiencing the kind of anger that comes with extreme disappointment? How your daughter-in-law and son now relate to Judaism is so very inconsistent with your expectations, and lack congruity with how things stood when your daughter-in-aw was accepted by the London Beit Din. Your likely dream --of sharing a religious life with them-- is shattered. What are the implications, you ask.
Let's start with your basic question, is your grandson Jewish? Yes. So far as I am aware, once someone has been converted by a well-respected Beit Din, the conversion holds everywhere regardless of how the person's relationship to Jewish practice changes over time. Any children born to a woman so-converted are absolutely Jewish. Were someone born Jewish to cease following core Jewish practices, we would be still be considered Jewish, too. You don't mention if the parents had your grandson circumcised. Though this has no bearing on whether he is Jewish, he does become responsible for organizing this mitzvah for himself, when he is old enough to do.
Recently I coordinated a meeting with a ChaBaD Rabbi who is a licensed psychotherapist and known to me as a real mensch, with a family that was fracturing along Jewish religious lines due to what looked like the daughter-in-law's extreme religiosity. When we explored the issues involved, it turned out to be mostly about unfilled childhood needs. A healing plan is now in place and this is making all the difference to rebuilding that family's capacity for loving connection, regardless of their individual relationships to religious practice.
Please keep in mind that religious practice can vary widely during a life time. I encourage you to avoid showing the kind of aggressive disappointment or coercive threats that will provoke even greater distancing of your family, and your grandson, from you and from their Jewish roots. All is not lost if you have done so, the human capacity for healing is substantial.
To maintain this part of your extended family in your life, it is vital that do your best to be kind and supportive of the couple's secular life. Send appropriate gifts for birthdays. Acknowledge each person's strengths and avoid criticizing weaknesses. Offer financial support if you can afford to, if it is needed. Send photos of yourself at a young age with your own parents, perhaps, in the picture too, send family stories and inquire about photos of your grandson and his parents. Don't hesitate to extend regular invitations to join you at any time and for Jewish holidays. If rebuffed, don't push the point. A simple: "Perhaps another time, I/we love and miss you" might increase receptivity over the years. Avoid creating dramas and painful encounters that will long-be remembered and traumatic to you, and to them. If they come and don't dress modestly enough, leave it alone rather than turning that into an issue. Most frum families have relatives who are not; can each co-exist with the other? Kindness and accepting each person for who they are and where they are on the journey right now is the path, imho, to sustainable relationship and personal growth. Trust that your son's feeling for Judaism will gradually be able to return and his wife's Jewish practice spark will return when other family issues resolve in safety. Or, like a vast number of Israelis, perhaps they are content being "just Jewish."
Be careful not to override the parents' religious preferences with the child, while at the same time don't abandon who you are and your own Jewish practice. It's fine if your grandson knows about practices from contact with you and perhaps tells friends "grandma has her own dishes at our home and brings her own food when she visits because she keeps kosher and we don't." Your religious life will be a healthy source of curiosity for your grandchild, keep the door of connection open.
Sitting in our china closet here in Philadelphia is my grandfather Benjamin Fradin's blue bowl that he brought over from Eastern Europe. Only he could eat from it, for he used it to eat kosher dairy when he would visit my childhood home. I keep a kosher home, though my mother didn't (save for not bringing in shellfish or pork). Zeyde also had a Shabbat timer in his room for his bedside light, even though the rest of the house didn't. He never sacrificed the integrity of our family for religious practice, we all accommodated each other gracefully, so far as I could tell growing up. When there is a will for the mitzvah of a peaceful family -- shalom bayit, there are many ways to get there.
I hope you have a good professional counselor or mashpi'ah. If the situation brings you toxic shame, should it become known where you live, you can also seek hashpa'ah via Skype via an organization like ReclaimingJudaism.org. In the absolute worst case scenario, in the face of a failure of the strategies above, it is sometimes possible under civil law to file for regular visitation time with a grandchild—involved grandparents can be very significant to a healthy upbringing. If the physical distance is great, say another country, regular visits via a service like Skype are a worthy form of connection.
In conclusion, Yes, your daughter-in-law is Jewish, and your grandchild is Jewish. If you possibly can, refocus on a long-term plan to foster loving family connections. May your process be blessed.
Question: I'm making the transition into observant Judaism. I've already incorporated many different aspects of Jewish life and practice in my own. The one thing that is most difficult for me is finding kosher meats in my area, specially lamb and red meat, which are meats I love to eat from time to time. Can I purchase organic meats instead, which are more accessible in my area and in this way observe Kashrut? Thanks!
The answer would depend upon what observant means to you. There are companies that ship kosher meat and organic kosher meat to your home (or at a discount to a central location of your choosing if you create a group of buyers). Some considerations for your process of deliberation:
Meats that are simply organic but not slaughtered by a shochet (trained professional) with the appropriate health check, method, blessing and heksher (certification) are not considered kosher in accord with the real meaning of the word inside of traditional Judaism. And, those who keep kosher inside and outside their homes will not be able to eat in your home should you elect this approach. Community is a very important component of a meaningful Jewish life, where our practices come most fully alive. What are the community norms where you live and among those with whom will you pray and socialize? These are important considerations at this point in your journey. Meats that are kosher but not organic, do not have supervision of the animal's quality of life, or safe food intake (such as concerns about agrochemicals, antibiotics, etc). A third level of concern is are the laborers are paid appropriately and on-time (a separate mitzvah in Judaism from kosher). Recent events show that some kosher businesses also require ethical supervision, along with the technical certification given by a mashgiach (kosher supervisor). Can the packaging be recycled? (yet a different mitzvah, care for the environment). Does the company have an honorable business record? Does the company practice inclusive ahavas yisroel / ahavat yisrael? From my perspective as a woman rabbi, a final concern is whether charity given by the firm's earnings reflect inclusive support for all Jewish people and care for those of other nations, or will donations and vendors only be given to those who support and are involved in only a small segment's views and practices and voting patterns -- including discrimination against people like myself who are barred from holding inclusive prayer services in our own normal ways at the Kotel, with a Torah, while wearing our taleisim (prayer shawls) and serving equally as rabbis and Jews in Israel and world-wide.
You might start your meat-seeking adventure at http://www.ecoglatt.com/ and a key word search should reveal additional options. Another helpful project is the Tav HaYosher (a seal that certifies workers are properly treated in kosher restaurants).
For more of the meaning of keeping kosher and other mitzvot mentioned in this article, please see my book Meaning & Mitzvah: Daily Practices for Reclaiming Judaism through Prayer, God, Torah, Hebrew, Mitzvot and Peoplehood (Jewish Lights Publishing) Blessings on your life and may your path towards a mitzvah-centered Jewish life be blessed. Question: I'm a Russian Jew. I see myself as Jewish, even though I don't live Jewishly. I practice Buddhism, have non-Jewish boyfriends, and think that believing in G-d the way prayers show me makes man into a weak and helpless being. And yet I feel united with all Jewish women through the centuries when I light Chanukah candles, get liberated from Egypt and certain personal slaveries each Pesach (even though I don't keep any Pesach mitzvoth), and etc. It hurts me to feel that I would not be accepted as I am by other Jews. I don't want to comply and be "a good Jewish girl" just for the sake of it - it's not the kind of life I see for myself. Yet I want to find my place among my people and I don't know where it is... What can you tell me to help me? How can I find a way to fit into Judaism?
How wonderful to hear from you, a Russian Jewish woman who is seeking to deepen meaningful connection to Judaism where you will be accepted for who you are. Your writing reveals you to have skills of critical thinking about the language of prayer and your future explorations in Judaism will be greatly helped by the appreciation of silence and awareness through contemplative skills that you have cultivated by engaging in Buddhist practices.
You also have the experience of feeling "touched" in a deep way by the Passover metaphors relating to freedom. And you carry the almost Olympian "torch light" of the Jewish peoples' historical passion for collective and individual emergence from places and states of oppression -- personal and political. Our people's, the Jewish people's dedication to honoring and keeping the mitzvah of "freeing those who are bound" and remembering we must do so for ourselves as Jews too, through the lighting of the Hanukkah Menorah, runs so deep as to seem imprinted upon our very spirit. As a Russian Jew, you know this all-too-well, for Soviet Jews were horribly oppressed before Perestroika and religion was illegal under Soviet law, with horrible punishments were associated with being caught practicing one's religion. I wonder where you live and whether you are a second generation immigrant to America? Israel? or Germany? Or still living in one of the Newly Independent States of the former Soviet Union? I taught several retreats for Jewish women in Russia and Ukraine shortly after Perestroika and so, I can appreciate how alien and uncomfortable the God-language in Jewish prayer books sounds to many of those of first, second or third generation immigrant or resident Russian-Jewish backgrounds. Most especially, you write that you "want to find my place among my people"..."to fit into Judaism." Feeling isolated or unwelcome is no fun, and I have deep respect for your desire to connect while being able to retain critical thinking (in the best sense), contemplative practice, and a rich sense of the importance of core traditions and metaphors. Lots of suggestions come to mindl: 1. Make contact with Project Kesher, an organization of amazing Jewish women with whom I have had the project to teach Judaism to Jewish women and their daughters in Russia and Ukraine. "Across 9 time zones from Russia to Ukraine, Belarus, Moldova, Georgia and Kazakhstan, and in Israel, Project Kesher transforms women’s lives, restoring their Jewish identity and providing training in leadership and social activism." www.projectkesher.org 2. Many contemplative traditions - Buddhism, Hinduism, Native American traditions and more, provided safe harbor for wounded Jewish souls in the wake of the mass horrific behavior of humans during the wars of the twentieth century. So my first suggestion is for you to seek out Jewish teachers who will be able to help you draw upon this connection with creativity, depth and integrity. For example, Rabbi Shefa Gold www.rabbishefagold.com or Rabbis Sheila Weinberg, Jeff Roth and Joanna Katz www.awakenedheartproject.org. 3. Here is an article that I wrote that has been translated into Russian about how to become empowered in the study of Torah and its interpretation (how to create a d'var Torah): http://www.reclaimingjudaism.org/node/416 and the essence of Jewish life, mitzvah-centered living is expressed in Russian here: http://www.reclaimingjudaism.org/node/415 4. There is an emerging field of Jewish guidance called Hashpa'ah, with formal training and certification. My colleague Rabbi Shohama and I were the first to introduce this into contemporary seminary training. One of us, or any of our students and graduates could work with you, and refer you to a community in your region where you are likely to feel welcome and supported on your Jewish journey. Be in touch if you are so inclined, publisher@reclaimingjudaism.org with blessings upon your life and path. R'Goldie Question: I was wondering. I've heard different things from different people, and was told a lot of different opinions. In Judaism, among Jews, what is considered as 'losing your virginity', particularly for a girl? I've always viewed it to be when a girl's hymen is broken by a man in a sexual act, but some people have been telling me otherwise. So my question is, 'What constitutes 'losing your virginity' for a girl?' What would change her status from 'virgin' to not?
In his book Jewish Spiritual Intimacy, Rabbi Zalman Schachter-Shalomi cites a powerful Jewish aphorism: "The body is the instrument on which the soul plays life for God." How might this be interpreted in the light of the question posed? First, that a person's body is a most sensitive, magnificent instrument played by our very soul. And, many educated Jewish persons attempt to align the symphony of their soul in this life, each and every physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual note, composed as though for the pleasure of a witnessing God. And, a person's body, regardless of gender, is connected to a person's soul and every "first" affects and informs future encounters; the sound of our song is shaped by our experiences.
I have written above to contextualize your question. A female who had never been vaginally penetrated by a penis, such a female was a prized commodity in patriarchal societies. Judaism handles the definition of "virgin" differently, "deflowering," as in a breaking through, or breaking off, is not the focus. There is a distinction made in Judaism between a bachor (m) and a betulah (f), those who have not been married and are of age and eligible to do so, and the patriarchy's "prized female marriage candidate"-- a female never entered by a man. This is spelled out early in the Torah where Rebecca is asked if she will go with Eliezer to marry Isaac [Gen 24:58]. Rebecca is called a betulah, girl not previously married, and then the text notes her added qualification for this high status marriage, she is a girl "whom no man had known." ["to know" being the Torah's euphemism for sex.] That's only part of the answer to your question. Exodus 22:15–16 gives us the example of a father who refuses to give his daughter to the rapist in marriage. Even so, the rapist must pay a mohar betulot, a "certified marriageable girl price" to her father. And apparently, a father could opt to compel a girl to marry her rapist, Deuteronomy 22:23–27. Where a girl has been betrothed and been deemed to having willingly entered into sex with someone other than the one to whom she is betrothed, both she and her sex partner are to be stoned to death. Deut 22: 23-4 declares that when a male forces a betrothed girl to have sex where she could not be heard crying out for help and rescued or declared innocent of initiating the act, only the male killed--stoned to death.
Patriarchal privilege regarding female penetration didn't begin with the "divine right of kings," it is horrifically evident in the story of Lot offering his daughters for mass rape to deflect a rampaging horde from his home and male guests, Genesis 19:8; cf. Judges 19:24, where he cites his daughters as "v'lo yadu ish--who have not known a man." Such "texts of terror" as they are called by scholar Phyllis Tribling, also can include Numbers 31:18 and Judges 21:12 which relate that in a war where all of the opposing side are to be killed, one subset of females get to live: "khol ha-taf ba-nashim asher lo yadu zakhar ha-chayu la-chem–all female children who haven't been known to lie with a male, their lives are for you." In other words, the soldiers who capture them get to keep them as a prize of war. Biblically, those taken hostage or into slavery by Israelite enemies were reciprocally presumed to have been raped.
As still continues to be the case within Judaism, our practices evolve to better honor the personhood of girls and women, to ensure the song of their souls have opportunity for healing, full inclusion in Jewish peoplehood and marriage, and a good, full life. Whether the hymen is broken, or not, is not the status determining issue for "virginity" in Judaism. [See Rav Yoezer Ariel. Taanat Betulim Bizman Hazeh. Assia 15 Kislev 5766] The Talmud clearly states that a raped toddler did not lose betulah status; and, that where bodily openings appear children might "injure" themselves out of curiosity became recognized, or an ancient or contemporary tampon to absorb menstrual flow might have broken through. As girls grow and bodies stretch, many a hymen develops a hole or separates from the wall and falls away naturally. The hymen wasn't put there for male conquest, its just part of the developing female reproductive system. Rabbinic authorities have long recognized that females who have actually not been penis-penetrated can also be without an intact hymen, and no blame or status change is associated with such a physical state. [Sources, Talmud Ketubot 1:2 and 1:7, Niddah 5:4, Kid. 9b; cf. Rashi, ad loc.; Maim. Yad, Issurei Bi'ah, 3:6.]
While we are having this discussion, let's debunk the persistent urban legend about bloodstained sheets being hung up for view by ultra-religious Jews to demonstrate the bride was a hymenal virgin. Crude misinterpretations on some obviously non-rabbinic Internet sites can be found this fable derived from Deuteronomy 22:13-17, where a husband claims his wife had sex before marriage with another man. In the Biblical story the parents bring witnesses to clear their daughter's name and then "spread out a simla before the elders of the city". In Jewish law and tradition this term simla, "garment" (sometimes mistranslated as 'sheet') is taken solely figuratively to mean they had "made their case."
Judaism does take bleeding seriously; there is tradition, law and guidance for how a married couple might work around menstrual bleeding in relation to love-making, and how to handle bleeding in the rare event of an actual wedding night hymen perforation. Judaism respects blood as representing the gift of life, and a reflection of potential fertility:
Mishna. “Young women are like vines. There is a vine whose wine is red. A vine whose wine is abundant and a vine whose wine is sparse. Rabbi Judah said: ‘Every vine has its wine.’ Gemara. Reb Hiyya taught: ‘As leaven is wholesome for the dough so is blood wholesome for a woman.’ One taught in the name of Rabbi Meir: ‘Of a woman with an abundance of blood many children may come.’ [Talmud Niddah: 64b]
While not medically accurate, there are post-menstrual menopausal births and some conceptions occur among young women who have lost their menstrual periods (from starvation in concentration camps, anorexia nervosa, medical treatment for cancers, etc.). The viewpoint in the Talmudic text is that a woman's bleeding is essential - it is the wine of fertility. Niddah, or taharat haMishpachah, are terms for Jewish practices which honor the passing of an egg and thus, the potential of creating life, as well semen that is emitted not inside of a ritually readied-to-conceive Jewish woman, is called niddah. (See Living Jewish Life Cycle: How to Create Meaningful Jewish Rites of Passage for Every Stage of Life, Jewish Lights Publishing)
In conclusion: Your specific question was about a girl." In our times a "girl" is too young for sex and marriage, so I hope your intent is actually to refer to an emotionally mature young woman. The transformations that happen when people shift from single to married are huge, and few arrive at marriage without prior sexual experience. In our times it is a first marriage itself that is the virgin experience. Much that once seemed behaviorally attractive about each other for a couple getting married seems to be what each other to modify after marriage. So a contemporary loss of "virginity" might be viewed as symbolically commencing with the act of completion of the Jewish wedding process-- the first time a now married couple makes love after the huppah (ritual under the Jewish wedding "canopy").
May all who engage in lovemaking do so with holy and healthy intent and action. And may all who enter blessed, committed relationships – for the first, second, or any number of hopeful times, be blessed to delight in the duet of embodied souls playing their first married love song for God.
Question: A few months ago, I accidentally discovered that my wife of almost 3 years (the complete love of my life) was having an affair with another man. The circumstances were just horrific.
I was just stunned and devastated to learn all this. I had no idea of my wife's frustrations, and no idea she was someone that was even capable of doing such a thing.
We have been to regular counseling for months now, and even now my wife is still at a loss to completely explain what happened and how it evolved.
Here is my question...
Now, 3-4 months removed from the affair, I am still occasionally dealing with hurt and pain that I may never fully get over 100%.
Nonetheless, I have forgiven my wife and chosen to stay with her. In spite of what occurred, I do love her tremendously. I do believe she is my beshert/soulmate. I am happiest when I'm with her, and I still see my future with her, and I believe that she feels the same way about me.
Tears beyond tears have been cried by both of us, and my wife has expressed an enormous amount of regret, remorse, and an appropriate amount of self-loathing, all of which I judge to be genuine.
At times, she has even suggested attending Shabbat services at our local synagogue to atone and ask G-d for forgiveness.
For sure, I am not fully over what happened, and I may never be fully over it altogether. Likewise, she may never be able to get over the fact that she committed adultery and betrayed and acted against someone she loves. It is a terrible tragedy in both our lives that can never be undone. But I'm pleased to say that my wife and I are currently in a very good place. We are extremely happy with one another and extremely in love. And ironically, the communication which has resulted since the affair (which should have come prior to the affair) has taken our relationship to an even far better place in so many ways than where I perceived it to be prior to the affair.
In short then, I have forgiven my wife.
I hope that she can eventually forgive herself.
Will G-d do the same?
What does Judaism say about this situation?
First allow me to reflect back your statement in brief: Your wife was having an affair with another man, she indicates this was primarily because of not being orgasmic with you. This occurred while you two were trying to conceive a child. A few months have gone by since you found out, and the affair ended. You have begun to communicate better with each other. You describe yourself as "occasionally" dealing with hurt and pain. Your wife has expressed extensive remorse and initiated Shabbat service attendance to silently atone. You indicate you have both wept deeply and feel your love has been renewed in the process of uncovering and working through this situation. You sound to have taken this as a wake-up call to the importance of listening to a spouse's sexual needs and becoming more adept at responding. You feel you have forgiven her and that she has not forgiven herself. You ask: Will God do the same? What does Judaism say about this situation?"
Answer: Jewish tradition has a phrase that sums up the steps necessary to realign with each other and with God. This is found in the High Holiday liturgy: And Repentance and Prayer and Charity remove the harsh decree." ...U'Teshuvah, U'Tefila U'Tzedakah maavirin et roa ha-gezera," You sound to have undertaken the first point, the major mitzvah of relationship healing, teshuvah - the mitzvah of returning to each other in honest communication, correction of problemmatic traits, and renewed commitment to honorable relationship. Your wife has admitted her infidelity, you have listened and are allowing trust to be rebuilt. Also, you have admitted to the need for listening and responding to her needs and have taken steps to learn how to satisfy her. Teshuvah requires such a plan of action to transform hurt and secure needed change The two of you sound to have forged a healthier foundation that bodes well for your future with each other and for your relationships with God. Jewish law and tradition places a great emphasis upon satisfying love-making as vital to a satisfying marriage. Creating life is one of the holiest moments in Jewish tradition. In the Talmud we read that three are present during conception: the essence of the mother, the father, and the Source of Life Itself. Under these circumstances what transpires is a mitzvah. It is traditional for the couple to focus completely on pleasuring one another, being careful to release thoughts of any others that might arrive at this time. Lovemaking when angry or intoxicated is considered counterproductive to attracting a healthy soul.* In addition to praying in synagogue, there are prayers for your home life, e.g., a Jewish prayer known as a kavvanah exists for love-making, look it up "kavannah for Jewish love making," if you wish. You might also consider seeing a professional sex therapist together, as sexuality within a committed relationship can bring great joy, as well as your hoped for child(ren) for both of you, especially as your mutual skills develop beyond the basics. The essential, third step is for the two of you to discuss tzedakah; what charities do you wish to support as a couple? Make a generous donation to one or more together now, to seal your mutual repentance and deepen mutual healing and holy intentions. In social work training I learned that only 25% of marriages in North America find their marriage ultimately survives infidelity. Although you have laid a solid foundation for healing your relationship wounds, you will likely find that waves of hurt and pain long continue to arise from having been betrayed. Rebuilding trust takes a long time. While may want to forgive and most past this situation quickly, your body retains the painful memories and you will need to respect them with quiet noticing and prayers for healing when they arise. Please be careful not to bring up your wife's past infidelity during difficult points in your years of marriage ahead, that often spells the end. Marriage has hard times, and I have seen it possible to overcome such adversity and thrive by cultivating healthy and kind communication skills. These skills along with refraining from damaging speech undergird yet another mitzvah, that of shalom bayit, co-creating a mitzvah-centered home that yields wholeness and peace. I teach in greater depth on these topics in the book Meaning & Mitzvah: Daily Practices for Reclaiming Judaism through Prayer, God, Torah, Hebrew, Mitzvot and Peoplehood, available through ReclaimingJudaism.org and all major on-line booksellers including the publisher, Jewish Lights. May your path be blessed.
*A few traditional sources: Nedarim 20b and Bahya ben Asher on Bereishit 30:39
Question: I would like to convert to Judaism. My fiance is Muslim. He fully supports my decision to convert and has agreed to raise any children we may have Jewish, although he does not want to abandon his own religion. Is this a problem? May I convert in this situation?
Once you are no longer single, I am not aware of any rabbis who allow solo conversion to Judaism for someone with a non-Jewish partner. The specific religion of your spouse has no bearing on this matter. The only possibility, which seems not to be viable in your case given your spouse's desire not to abandon his religion, would be for both of you to study and practice Judaism to the point where you are both ready to join the Jewish people through a formal conversion process. At this point you might consider exploring both religions together, as well as your own birth religion, if you have one or more, in order to find one coherent faith tradition within which to create a family together.
With blessings on your life and path, Rabbi Goldie Milgram, Executive Vice-President, ReclaimingJudaism.org Question: Is a Jew permitted to enter a church, mosque, cathedral, temple, or the site of any other faith?
As an advocate for respectful co-existence of the world's peoples and traditions, my first inclination would have been to give a short "yes" answer to this question. As I really began to think carefully about it, the question requires a far more nuanced approach.
Contexts to Consider
While Judaism has general principles, each is highly nuanced in application. Our tradition functions in regard to questions based on a principle called l'faneinu, the person or situation that is in front of us, i.e., on a case-by-case basis.
1. Might you enter the site of another religion as a tourist or scholar in order to better appreciate its historical, cultural or architectural significance?
2. Would you enter such a site to attend meetings of non-sectarian support groups (such as Alcoholics Anonymous), cultural (e.g. traveling string quartet), or civic events (e.g., voting booths are sometimes placed by civic authorities into sanctuary lobbies and the program rooms of religious institutions)? 3. Or to engage in interfaith dialogue, for a multi-faith Thanksgiving? Or for a multi-faith memorial service after a major societal tragedy (e.g. 9-11, or Veterans memorial?) 4. Would you enter a given site, or allow your child to enter the site as part of a multi-faith or cultural awareness series? (e.g., when scouts visit each other's religious sites and services?) 5. Would you enter the site if rented or co-owned by your havurah, minyan, synagogue or other Jewish non-profit? For services? For a one-time Israel Independence Day concert? For youth group, religious school, or other Jewish social meetings? For a Jewish Day School or summer camp? Conversely would you vote for your board to rent your Jewish community site(s) to groups from other religious traditions? Never? Some? All? 6. Would you enter for a non-Jewish friend or colleague's rite of passage? (e.g., Wedding? Baptism? Conversion? Funeral service? Ordination?) 7. For a friend's interfaith rite-of-passage? 8. For a family member's interfaith rite-of-passage? 9. For the rite-of-passage of a family member being completely conducted under a jurisdiction other than Judaism? 10. Regularly attend services of another religion with a life-partner who is of that religion? 11. Would you regularly attend services of another religion, when you live somewhere that offers no Jewish community, or none in which you participate? Well, this is the easiest one, experience shows either you, or almost certainly your children, will be lost to Judaism if you do so.
Principles and Considerations
The decision of whether to enter the site of another faith depends upon the circumstances involved. A number of principles apply:
1. The majority of Jewish people appreciate the importance of cultivating sufficient mutual understanding to ensure civil legislation that gives all citizens the freedom to practice their own religion. Acting to advance understanding and avert the demonization of other groups and dangerous misunderstandings that lead to hate crimes is vital social justice work, tikkun olam. Some authorities encourage visiting each other's sites as part of creating understanding.
2. Others cite traditional sources that prohibit entering churches and temples, where what the rabbis considered idol worship is practiced. Those coming from this vantage point cite sources such as: Talmud Avodah Zara 17a as well as Maimonides, the Rashba, the Ritba, Rosh, and Rabbis Moshe Feinstein, Ovadia Yosef and Eliezer Waldenberg. Instead, they encourage that interfaith dialogue and contact be held on neutral ground, and suggest this has the advantage of not trivializing the religious power of other tradition's religious sites, nor our own. 3. Jewish law and custom appreciate that sometimes situations arise where entry to sites of other religions is necessitated to avert causing offense that might lead to malevolence towards Jews. (The Holocaust, pogroms, Spanish Inquisition and Crusades have made us a discerning people when it comes to safety and self-preservation.) The code of Jewish law called the Shulchan Aruch allows Jews being asked to represent their communities to the ruling government to do so, even if the gathering is in a religious site that offers idol worship and the required dress would not usually be acceptable under Jewish norms.
Chief Rabbis of England have attended events in Westminster Abbey when invited by the King or Queen. The Chief Rabbi of Haifa attended the funeral for Pope John Paul II, including a full Mass. Orthodox Rabbi Haskel Lookstein accepted a presidential invitation to a National Prayer Service held in an Episcopalian cathedral the day after President Barack Obama's inauguration.
In the well-known book, The Jew and the Lotus, author Roger Kamenetz described how Rabbi Zalman Schachter-Shalomi, Rabbi Yitz Greenberg and Blu Greenberg, Rabbi Joy Levitt and several others accepted the Dalai Lama's invitation to travel to Dharamsala for dialogue and exploration of each other's religious traditions and survival skills. The prayer composed for the occasion by Reb Zalman was: "Blessed art Thou, Lord Our God, King of the Universe, Who has imparted of Thy compassionate awareness unto those who honor and respect Thy Names."
Historically, the major considerations regarding this question have been:
1. Avoidance of being proselytized, or stepping into a coercive context.
2. There is a clear Biblical injunction against creating or encountering, embodied images of a god or gods with a human face, aka, forms considered foundational to avoda zara, "idol worship."
Islam: Maimonides, Yosef Karo, Moses Isserles and many other sages are among those who underscore that Islam is an unquestionably monotheistic religion. This rendered Islamic homes and sites as posing no problem for Jews since images are disallowed in Islamic tradition entirely, and Moslems do not worship any prophet, only Allah, which is their name for God.
Christianity: The 13th century Catalonian Rabbi Menachem haMeiri argued against prevailing views that Christianity is a form of idolatry, and many still abide by his view. Others consider those branches of Christianity that consider Jesus as a separate God needing specific veneration (in addition to "God the Father"), as making those religious sites out of bounds.
Other religions: Other religions such as Buddhism and Hinduism and many others are either bulk-listed under avoda zara, or are intelligently and individually reviewed and discussed depending upon the sources one studies.
3. Many contemporary Jews make a point of learning about the world's cultures and religions with the attitude advocated in Pirkei Avot 1:6 "Judge the whole of a person to the side of merit –dan l'chaf z'chut" - and are inclined to regard all religions as having good intentions in their general design, regardless of whether they do or do not have a god-concept (Buddhism), utilize images and iconography (such as Hinduism, the Eastern Orthodox Churches and others), or worship more than one God (Mormons, some Native American, African and other indigenous religions).
4. There are seven laws which Maimonides most famously considered essential criteria for ethical human societies and religions to whom we can relate. There are called the Noachide laws; they derived from the Torah and are listed by the Talmud and Tosefta as: Prohibition of idolatry, murder, theft, sexual immorality, blasphemy, eating flesh taken from an animal while it is alive, and the requirement there be the establishment of courts of law.
5. Contemporary Jewish leaders and organizations vary greatly in opinion on the topic of entry into sites of other religions when worship services take place at all, and those that do sometimes add the condition that worship services not be in session. If you affiliate, you might consult accordingly.
6. It can be inappropriate and/or disrespectful to engage in practices of other religions, for example, one does not take communion unless one is a Catholic deemed in good standing by the priest. A long-standing Jewish practice is not to bow or kneel in obeisance to monarchs or other heads of nations, nor in religious contexts of others. Participation without commitment can be viewed as trivializing the traditions of others. One's quiet presence at a religious ceremony is often well received, in our tradition and others.
Rabbi Raachel Nathan Jurovics article in Seeking & Soaring: Jewish Approaches to Spiritual Direction, discusses the concept of "deep ecumenism," pioneered by Rabbi Zalman Schachter-Shalomi. She shows us how to be possibly present to religious rituals of others that might otherwise cause some of us to cringe and adds; "Authentic spiritual direction cultivates a sympathetic ear for other traditions…Having this ear, however, does not require us to disregard our own spiritual understandings or compromise our personal religious practices. If deep ecumenism has a boundary, it is in the realm of practice, at the point where we sense something damaging to the spiritual immune system, which I understand as something that calls into question for us the integrity and beauty of Jewish teachings."
7. There is also the principle in Judaism called maarit ayin or maris ayin, which advises care not to give others wrong impressions about you, nor to act in a way that might cast doubt on the core practices or faith of the Jewish people. 8. Another consideration is the mitzvah of bal tashchit, caring for the environment. This speaks to the importance of repurposing available space in buildings to avert depletion of the planet's resources during construction. 9. Pikuakh nefesh, the mitzvah of saving lives, trumps, if one is entering to work at a soup kitchen, homeless shelter, respond to a medical emergency or fire, or seek sanctuary from persecution (some of our people survived the Holocaust in this way).
In Conclusion
I hope you will discuss the situations and concepts offered for your consideration with friends, family and in your Jewish community's study settings. I am sure Judaism has additional principles that can be applied, and your own values and family configurations are also important considerations. Will you enter religious sites of other traditions or not? If so, when? When not? These are answers we each must find and review at various points in our lives.
The one thing I most want to offer in the way of direct guidance is that before deliberately entering the religious sites of traditions other than Judaism, please attain a solid appreciation of the relevance and meaning of Judaism. Deeply meaningful experiences in Judaism that arise from our commitment to mitzvah-centered living afford us the appreciation for what healthy approaches to religion have to offer. This knowledge and experience in Judaism is an essential part of developing the capacity for dialogue, understanding and coexistence with those who follow other religious paths. As an author I have chosen to explain the meaning and relevance of Judaism's core ethos of mitzvah-centered living in my books, lectures, workshops and retreats, to learn more please visit ReclaimingJudaism.org.
Question: Why do we say “baruch dayan ha’emet” when someone dies?
When we hear someone has died, we need a way to express ourselves. Jewish tradition provides a very powerful and brief sacred phrase: baruch dayan ha'emet (pronounced bah-rukh, dah-yahn, hah'eh-meht). This phrase seems to be the bare minimum of a blessing, truncated from our usual blessing form, as many as twelve terms short*; cut down, as has been a life.
What does this phrase mean? Ha-Emet – The Truth. While we were doing chevruta (sacred study, one-on-one) on baruch dayan emet, my colleague Rabbi Shawn Zevit noted that for him: "The emet—Truth-- is the focus. I am acknowledging that, this is the Truth. In this way, we help ourselves move into acceptance, rather than denial."
Emet is one of the 105 metaphorical names for God in Judaism. Emet fits best as a form of address while we are frozen in the immediate learning of a loss of life, because other names might feel false on our tongue, e.g., anthropomorphic names of adulation: Adonai Eloheynu (Lord, our God), of fealty – melech (king); or the wonderful holy feeling embedded in most blessings of engaging in good deeds – mitzvot.
There are many mitzvot involved in supporting a family, friend, or community, who are dealing with a death; these all come later. The moment of hearing of a death, is a uniquely personal. Even a death that comes as a kindness for one who has been suffering terribly, that death, in truth, also may herald a radical change in our lives.
Dayan – Judge.
Upon hearing of a death, we feel acted upon, disempowered, bereft. We didn't misplace our loved one, as when someone says: "I lost my husband." No, lives are ended – by war, accident, disease, error, suicide, old age. There is no effective bakkashah, "plea," to bring someone back, nor will expressing fealty to "My Lord," or "Our God," change a thing. Our sages ask us to accept derekh ha-teva, the way of nature, to realize that no cosmic judge was punishing our friend, associate or loved one for some known, or unknown, evil. We know things that are horrible from our vantage point, happen to good people.
Often loss hurts, sometimes almost beyond endurance, to the point that we can't help but plead to know why must we be sentenced to endure this transformation in our loves and lives. This is why Dayan, "Judge," is another fitting name, as an anthropomorphic metaphor for how we feel – that a difficult verdict has entered our own lives -- loss, death, the departure and ascent of a soul beyond our world of experience.
Baruch – Bless.
There is a mitzvah called yirah, living in awareness of the awesome/fearsomeness of creation. We are being embedded in a larger field of being than we can ever hope to control or fully understand. My teacher, Rabbi Zalman Schachter-Shalomi terms this the Godfield. We appear to co-create the Godfield with our blessings; shaping the experience of learning of a death ever so slightly by saying baruch dayan ha'emet. It is not given to us to know if our sages were right, and a young soul was recalled because it had other lives and only a tiny bit of work to finish up in this life. We can't know if a soul has a particular talent that is needed in another dimension, and it has been recalled for higher service. We can't penetrate the mystery called death. We only know the awesomeness of life and the blessing that this person was in our life. This we can bless – the time we had, our awe at the gift of life, and the fearsome/awesome threshold called death of the body, beyond which we, the living cannot go. Baruch dayan ha'emet. Blessed be the True Judge (other translations are possible). These words reappear at the funeral, as first degree relatives receive a kriyah (tearing) ribbon and rend it to signal they are mourners and, to symbolize their hearts torn open in grief. So few words and they help us to address and express so much.
Note: This blessing also applies to other situations where difficult news is received, see Mishna Berachot 9:2. The sages seem to build this understanding upon the words of Job to his wife: "Shall we accept the good from God, and not the bad?"(Job 2:10).
For a step-by-step guide to Jewish dying, funeral and mourning practices that includes spirituality and meaning of each practice, please see: Living Jewish Life Cycle: How to Create Meaningful Jewish Rites of Passage at Every Stage of Life (Jewish Lights Publishing)
Words of traditional blessing that do not appear in the barukh dayan ha-emet blessing are:
*atah adoshem elokeynu melech ha-olam, asher kidshanu b'mitzvotav, v'tzivanu l' Question: Regarding immunizations for children who will be attending day (Jewish or parochial) schools: What is the Jewish view on whether this is obligatory or optional? What Jewish values or ethics are involved in this question?
A similar question to the one posed, is whether a Jewish day school has the right to refuse admission to children who are not vaccinated. That question was posed to Jewish scholars and rabbinical students in regard to two essentially identical real-life situations of which I am aware. At least three comprehensive professional responses from an array of denominations exist. (Bibliography is listed at the end of this piece.) To summarize for those who wish a quick answer, all three groups, using Jewish scholarly research, found the school to absolutely have such a right and an obligation to a) the law of the land (state requirements), b) the principles of the mitzvah known as pikuach nefesh, saving lives, as many as possible.
Why have these questions been arising with greater frequency in our times?
Several years ago a British lawyer fashioned a campaign against vaccines that attributed autism spectrum disorders to vaccination via a hypothetical, never substantiated link to mercury. This fraud netted him over a million dollars in “expert” testimony. Children and adults have died for lack of immunity to devastating childhood diseases because many well-intentioned parents disseminated his position and that led some parents to refrain from having their children vaccinated. When their children contract one of these diseases, the lives and well-being of all who come in contact with them are placed in jeopardy.
Judaism, across the board, within every denomination, aspires to life for those born into this world. In Deuteronomy (Devarim) 4:15 we learn: V'nishmartem m'ode l'nafshoteikhem, “Greatly guard your souls,” which has long been read in Jewish bioethics as a duty to protect ourselves from disease. Reb Nachman of Breslov, who died in 1810 of tuberculosis long before treatment and a vaccine had been identified in the second half of the twentieth century, wrote: “One must be very very careful about the health of children...One must inoculate every baby against smallpox before one-fourth (3 months) of the year, because if not, it is like spilling blood (murder).” (Kuntres Hanhagot Yesharot)
Small pox prevention was developed in India, some say, as far back as the year 1000. The best documentation for small pox prevention is 15th Century Chinese documents which record an ability to decrease mortality from 20-30% due to small pox, down to 0.5-2% through techniques directly related those that create the vast life-saving human "herd immunity" in place today. While many diseases remain to be conquered, the World Health Organization, established a world-wide vaccination that by 1980, eliminated small pox, a devastating disease that killed and maimed for generations.
Not only an answer, also a process is needed when it comes to addressing an answer to a bioethics question. By way of responding to the question, it would be appropriate for the school to respond to parent concern by validating that their feelings of concern and activism are appreciated by the administration. Even though their proposals regarding vaccines cannot be adopted under Jewish bioethics and under most legal systems, all people deserve to be listened to patiently when expressing ideas and concerns, we never know when a person is bringing something that is new information to our attention. It is also helpful to establish a series of educational programs about vaccines to help facilitate comfort with the requirement. It is helpful to subject articles from the popular or medical press provided by parents to the same rigorous scrutiny and discussion that we bring to Jewish sacred text, and to encourage the mitzvah of funding vaccine research.
Sources drawn upon in order to come to the position of the three panels regarding vaccinations and schools include the Shulchan Aruch, the code of Jewish law, which also weighs in heavily in favor of preventive medicine: “it is a positive commandment (mitzvah aseh) to remove anything that could endanger life, and to safeguard against any of these things, and to be very careful, to guard yourself and guard your soul. Someone who does not remove that which is potentially dangerous will have set aside this positive mitzvah." (Choshen Mishpat 427: 8-10)
The Shulchan Aruch citation continues by asking: “What of one who indicates: 'I am willing to endanger myself, why should this matter to anyone else?...or whoever is careless about these issues, is given lashes by the Beit Din (Jewish court) and whoever takes care to avoid them is considered praiseworthy.'” While we no longer whip offenders, the emphasis on not endangering others is explicated clearly here. Further, we learn in the Bible, Leviticus 19:16: “Do not stand aside while your neighbor's blood is shed” and in the Shulchan Aruch Choshen Mishpat 426 the commentator adds: “Do not abandon your neighbor when [s]he is in danger.”
The Rambam in Mishna Torah Hilchot Deot 4:1 teaches that God wishes us to remain healthy because it is impossible to integrate the teachings when we are ill, therefore one must remove anything that causes one harm, and work to bring good health. Parental responsibilities are detailed in a number of our sacred texts. For example, the Ralbag on Proverbs in Chapter 23 offers an essay on parenting which emphasizes the parental role in teaching safe living practices in order to avoid addictions, diseases, and obesity.
Sadly, we have not yet achieved sufficient levels of immunization in our world to create the level of human world-wide immunity that might also wipe out a great many more major, life-threatening diseases. It is clearly vital to participate in immunization programs to bring us to that virtually messianic day. Here is some sobering data, if you are still not on-board with the decision of the majority of Jewish scholars:
Unicef Estimate of Deaths due to vaccine-preventable diseases 2008:
Total number of children who died from diseases preventable by vaccines currently recommended by WHO, plus diseases for which vaccines are expected soon: 2.5 million.
Hepatitis B: 600 000
Hib: 363 000
Pertussis: 254 000
Tetanus: 163 000
Other (polio, diphtheria, yellow fever): 36 000
Estimated number of deaths in children under five from diseases preventable by vaccines (excluding measles) currently recommended by WHO: 890 000.
Hib: 363 000
Pertussis: 254 000
Neonatal tetanus: 128 000
Tetanus (non-neonatal): 16 000
Other (polioa, diphtheriaa, yellow fever): 19 000.
Estimated number of deaths in children under five due to rotavirus and pneumococcus: 1.3 million.
Pneumococcal disease: 735 000
Rotavirus: 527 000
May your life, and your children and grandchildren's lives, be healthy and blessed and your actions be a blessing for others.
Bibliography:
Teshuvah of 2004 by Rabbi Joseph Prouser for the Committee on Jewish Law and Standards of the Conservative Movement
Teshuvah of 1999, the Reform Movement’s Central Conference of American Rabbis’ Responsa 5759.10
Teshuva of Fall Semester 2009, by the Bioethics, Halachah and the Role of the Rabbi course taught by Rabbi Goldie Milgram for the ALEPH Ordination Program.
Question: When I was young, I was abused by my father. My mother, who knew, did nothing. Must I still honor them?
Abused by your father, and in essence, betrayed by your mother. What huge traumas from which to try to heal and deal. In Jewish bioethics we have a concept called l'faneynu, the answers depend on the exact situation of the person "who is before us." Someone abused as a child is not in the same precise halachic or ethical position with regard to the mitzvah of kibud av v'em, as one who was well-cared for in childhood.
An article in Olam Magainze (Summer 2001) by Rabbi Joseph Telushkin points out there is no commandment to love your parents. Yes, we are guided to: "Love your neighbor as yourself" (Lev. 19:18), 'And you shall love the Lord your God' (Deut. 6:5), And 'You shall love the stranger (Lev. 19:34). But not parents, they are only later analogized to God within Jewish tradition. Not a holy metaphor for your situation, it seems to me. Rabbi Telushkin explains Torah perhaps takes into consideration that love isn't something that's really possible to command in a human parent-child relationship, it may be present, absent or arise and then sometimes ebb and wane. And then, most pertinent to your question, he parenthetically notes: "In instances of parents who have physically or sexually abused their children, I believe that children do not owe the parents respect or anything else for that matter…” I wish to offer a slightly different take away from his important reasoning, in fact several different ways to possibly full the mitzvah of kibud av v'em without damaging yourself emotionally or spiritually. Ways of possible integrity. In contemplating your situation it comes to me that there is a shared root meaning to the term kibbud, it is kaveid, "weight", to give weight to the existence or memory of a parent. That, perhaps you can do in fulfillment of this commandment. How? Maimonides, Talmudic sages and numerous other Jewish sources discuss situations such as yours and conclude a) you are not to subject yourself to further abuse and b) you might best see to your parents' physical needs from a second-hand distance. Yes, they conceived you and gave you life, so for this reason our tradition teaches a child isn't to completely abandon parents, sch as when they need to be cared for in illness, poverty or old age. In several places in the Talmud including Kidushin 31b-32a the term honor is given a minimum set of criteria: “Honoring”: one must give him food and drink, one must dress him and cover/shelter him, and one must escort him in and out." Maimonides, as I understand him, allows for doing this by hiring someone with your parents' money first off, if this is what is needed to properly care for yourself. Today a child can hire an elder care attorney to also organize Medicare and/or Medicaid eligibility for parents, if that is something they can't do so themselves. Then, your own funds can be drawn upon, if you have sufficient to share, should other options fail. And remember, save for in the privacy of therapeutic time with your closest friend or family members, a therapist or clergy person, maintaining careful ethics within your own personal life, which includes the mitzvah of refraining from maligning them to others outside of that small circle -- this will bring honor kavod to yourself, your family, teachers, many others and if you will, as the tradition would say, God. But what about your role as a child in saying Kaddish when abusive parents die? Rising in their memory is intended to bring honor to their names. Is there a healthy way for you to do this? A book that I co-edited was just released this week titled Mitzvah Stories: Seeds for Inspiration and Learning and within it is a story called "Honor" by Phil Cohen. In this story the inner thoughts of the main character are depicted during the season of his saying Kaddish for a father who was never emotionally accessible. By giving kavod, "weight" to his honest memories of his father, to the losses he mourns of needs never fulfilled in that relationship, by giving weight to what was withheld or impossible to give, he finds much more comes of the process of saying Kaddish than he might have anticipated. Reading the full story might be helpful to you and others. Finally, an important way to give kavod to parents, is to donate to a charity in their names. You might do so, in this case, to charities that care for and work toward the prevention of child abuse, or research and treatment entities that seek to treat those who sexually abuse others. Judaism teaches the mitzvah of lo tikom, take no revenge, rather we have the option to do better than parents sometimes do, we can come up with create ways to partially address trauma by transforming this world through adding to the good. May your path be blessed. Question: How should donors to synagogues be thanked?
There's no "how should" involved when it comes to thanking donors. At minimum, it is an important Jewish spiritual practice to hakarat ha-tov, acknowledge the good done by others. Beyond that, donors are individuals; so appropriate thank you's are a matter for reflection and customized response. For donors from the United States, a letter confirming the donation that expresses appreciation for their support of a given program/organization is both sufficient and necessary, as it will be needed for their tax return.
Here are a number of specific considerations for different types of donors:
1. Some donors prefer nothing more than the satisfaction that comes from mitzvah-centered living. It is a mitzvah to give tzedakah, to support charitable efforts and so they do. To do without public acknowledgment is at the top of Maimonides' ladder of philanthropy. An important precept of Judaism also applies here, to be careful not to embarrass someone. Rabbi Daniel Z. Feldman, in the “The Right and the Good” cites as follows: "the Midrash Shmuel quotes in the name of R. Menachem L’Beit Meir a description that will be familiar to anyone who has ever been truly embarrassed. 'One who is humiliated, his face first turns red, and then turns white, because due to the magnitude of the shame, his ‘soul flies away’, as if it wanted to leave the body...once the blood returns to its source, the face turns white, like someone who has died...'” There are donors who prefer to be quietly generous. Public acknowledgment will cause them embarrassment and may lose you a wonderful, caring donor if, after discussing with them their desire regarding public expressions of appreciation, you ignore their wishes.
2. Some donors are pace-setters for their peers, appreciating the fundraising value for the non-profit being supported of agreeing to have their name publicly associated with their donation. These donors will generously agree to be publicly honored at a fundraising dinner, and/or to be listed in reports or invitations that list their donation. They may also agree to make calls to solicit donations and provide address lists for family and friends to invite to these occasions and be solicited for donations. Here, both top lay and professional leadership will want to take time to sit privately with the donor and express appreciation and, also send customized letters of appreciation, in addition to the non-profit's annual IRS-mandated confirmation of donations received from that donor.
3. Some donors are memorializing a loved one, bringing honor to their memory by placing that person's name on a building, auditorium, endowment, or donated object, for example, the lovely park benches with lovely quotes that are memorials. There is a substantial range of appropriate response here. All begin with some reflection that honors the true qualities of the deceased, which might take some research on the part of staff or lay respondents. Then:
-The donor of a park bench may simply need a tax letter and a note letting them know when their bench is in place and available to be visited. The donor of an endowment to build a university music center along with support funds for its maintenance, might well appreciate a groundbreaking and/or opening event where they and their family are recognized for the mitzvah (termed major gift in fundraising) which they have undertaken. This is sometimes misunderstood as a vanity event; often the donor understands they are helping the institution set a standard for giving among its board members or major donors. Further, they often bring children and grandchildren to these events to help them accept the mantle of the traditional role of a "Parnass," of being a serious philanthropist when their inheritance and/or perhaps foundation or philanthropic fund oversight duties one day come to them.
4. Some donors are just this once, exceeding their normal reach. It is vital to know who is giving money to our causes, when we can. Sometimes someone of very limited means so yearns to honor a deceased parent or child with a donation, or to support a cause about which they are passionate, that their donation exceeds their annual possibility of reach. If we can discern this and personally acknowledge the $180 than comes from the $18 donor and then not put them into the annual $180 fundraising event list, we can save them undue duress and not distort your fundraising plan or predictions either. Sometimes this happens with families compile assets to donate a JNF Forest in honor of their mother, when usually that's not what they are capable of giving.
5. Cameo Visits or Concerts Given by Celebrities and Those with Talents: This all comes under hakarat ha-tov, acknowledging the good. Donation of services isn't tax deductible. Generous extension of self to help support a charity is as much a true gift as any amount of money. Thanking them on behalf of the community and those who will be served, in public and up at the mike may well be appreciated by these donors, but ask first, don't assume. Letters of appreciation go without saying. It's often appreciated if a unique piece of art of inscribed book is given along with the thank you - the cost of the thank you gift isn't the issue with most such individuals, it really is the thought that counts. Be sure to write about how the concert or work touched you, individual moments that you remember, this means a lot to those often taken for granted or who believe themselves sought out only for their deep pockets or star power.
6. Chachkes and Other Donor Incentives: Oy, were we dismayed when we came home from vacation to find a pile of little donor gifts for our recent $1000 gift to a charity. We had no idea what to do with more mugs, bags, socks, even coat-hangers with their logo on them and we had no intent to cost them a cent with our donation for their awesome work in the world. If you offer donor incentives, ask if the donors want to receive them or not. The National Public Radio dvd's of their best shows are such a nice way to be stimulated to give, creative thank you's can be so meaningful. I treasure the Jewish version of matryoshka dolls Project Kesher sent in appreciation for my donation of a week's teaching time overseas, and on another such occasion a local-embroidery style tallit made by the women themselves. Certainly I didn't wish for any recognition, their mitzvah of hakarat ha-tov, acknowledging the good - it is such a lift for the spirit.
I bless all readers to find ways to be generous and to expect nothing in return. I also bless all readers to rise to the occasion of thanking those who contribute to the good, it's a great middah, quality of character for all of us to cultivate.
Question: We just got married, and I found out that my husband is suffering from impotency (impotence). If I didn't know about this prior to marriage, can this marriage be annulled? Isn't this a basic fact that I should have been told before I was asked to consent to marriage? What is the reason for marriage anyway, if not to have children?
It sounds that you have have just experienced a huge betrayal of trust, no matter what the reasons you may have been given for it. I can barely begin to imagine your pain and shock, anger and disappointment. A man's ability to have intercourse with you, for pleasure and procreation is part of the marital understanding in Judaism as I understand our tradition and practices. While your husband may not be infertile, impotence undisclosed would seem to me to be in breech of contractual assumptions and expectations. One option is the one you mention, annulment (under the principle of kedushei taut) and a get, a Jewish divorce process and document, to ensure your future marriageability would likely be arranged at your request of the rabbi who did your marriage.
AND since you hadn't detected his impotence sooner, you sound possibly Orthodox or a virgin, or celibate until marriage in this relationship. Maybe he's not impotent. Has the man you just married had a medical work-up for impotence? It might not be a permanent or long-term condition. Erectile dysfunction (ED) can be emotional, especially for those who are scared and inexperienced and perhaps not well prepared. Was this an arranged marriage and not a big time or heart investment? Or a deep love? A first or second marriage? Be sure to consult your or rebbetzin, rabbi, or a religious counselor immediately for Jewish intellectual, physical, emotional and spiritual guidance and probably a good trauma therapist as well. If you find it hard to secure support that feels safe and professional, please be in touch through this website and I will be glad to assist you in navigating professional networks.
It's been some days since you had this incident. So, a question. Why did you want to be with this husband, beyond having children? Is any of that "good stuff" still accessible for your spirit, i.e., your full kavannah for the marriage? Remember, he may have viable sperm and artificial insemination might work out. Pleasure can be given in many ways and some people are able to live and love in the context of such a disability, should he actually prove to be medically impotent. Consider pausing before leaping out of this marriage in horror, is there something precious yet? Things are seldom what they seem. If he didn't know ED would happen, then consider a process of trust-rebuilding with the help of a professional. Likely you are a deeply good person and know this already - that you need to be very careful for his and your reputation in the community and so don't scream this situation all over town. Judaism has beautifully developed ethics about who "needs to know," and the two of you need to be sure to discuss that with your rabbi, as well. The rules of ethical speech would be a whole other article to write for Jewish Values Online.
All that said, if you elect annulment or divorce, you will also need a lawyer to deal with your civil marriage annulment or divorce issues depending upon your state or country of residence.
Question: What is the position of Judaism on the reaction to Osama Bin Laden's death? It's so complicated, a murder for justice. I'm not sure if it is correct to be glad or not about it. Is it really justice? Is there justification for this in or beyond Jewish values?
These questions keep arriving in my in-box in one form or another:
Would Judaism condone celebrating the death of Osama bin Laden? And would our religious sources lead us to advocate tracking down and killing his adherents as well? Frankly, having served as a 9/11 chaplain, celebration was not my first response or concern. How does one respond to the necessary killing of one who perpetuated such evil? What might a prayer might be for a departing soul of someone who has exceeded the status of enemy, for one who had become committed to evil behavior. And an answer came when I prayed for guidance. I posted it to Facebook where a minyan is always present: Frankly, having served as a 9/11 chaplain, celebration was not my first response or concern. Rather, I began wondering what the prayer might be for a departing soul of someone who has exceeded the status of enemy, for one who had become committed to evil behavior. And an answer came when I prayed for guidance. I posted it to Facebook where a minyan is always present and many did feel called to say amen: May the soul of Osama bin Laden be relieved of all its evil proclivities on its journey into Mystery. If, heaven forfend, such flawed souls return at some point to embodied life, may the m'sadei gaver[et] (that Which Guides our footsteps) set that soul upon the work of universal kindness. What Helps the Human Spirit The human spirit needs and continually creates ways to dispel the seeping damage of trauma. Jews know a great deal about this subject and we have developed imagery that can be helpful. Mme Collette Aboulker-Muscat, z'l, and her students have cultivated forms of psychotherapy and spiritual direction along these lines. Oleg L. Reznik, MD writes about her method: "In the short mental imagery exercise, an image is used to give a micro-shock that overcomes a person's defenses (an inner wall that one builds to maintain a status quo, not the defenses of psychodynamic model), and initiates an inner movement in the direction of healing." Our tradition's powerful images are part of our reservoir of strength and spiritual resilience. The prayer above feels to me in part derived from an image I learned from Simcha Paull Raphael, in Jewish Views of the Afterlife. As I recall, there he teaches how the Zohar, drawing on I Samuel 25:29, conceives of an after-death catapult, kaf ha-kelah, for tainted souls that shakes the departing soul of its errors and essence, and is sent off by God per I Samuel, "like a rock inside of a sling." And while my emotional prayer was for the soul of one who has done great evil not to return, some of our sages saw just that as the task of such a soul, to return and find ways to expiate the wrongs created. Further, from working with abused persons where empowerment is part of recovering from victimhood, there is the Talmudic story when Beruriah's husband Rabbi Meir prayed for thieves he'd just witnessed to be struck down, and Beruriah protested, suggesting they rather pray for the thieves to change their ways. Might a moshiach (messiah) spark be each person who can go outside the box as a holy game-changer, in this case like Beruriah? What I appreciate about Beruriah is her offering an option that is not deadly, while also not denying his feelings or their expression. Why pray only moshiach ben david and not also moshiach bat david, when every spark is needed. (Decoding moshiach as "mei-siakh - from dialogue," being one way the path to a more peaceful paradise on earth can proceed.) Amalek, More than an Enemy It seems reasonable to view Osama bin Laden (ObL, here-on) as a manifestation of Amalek and I am among those relieved and glad his soul has been sent for cosmic cleansing and rerouting. Outside the White House during our President Barak Obama's announcement we saw live our Purim narrative almost on replay, save for in Megillat Ester the gallows are a prominent feature. Purim analogizes Amalek and Haman and teaches us the importance of leading for survival from where you are planted, and that for those who saw to the hanging of the villain, and the rest who survived by taking up arms to stop those continuing to follow the orders Haman had stimulated the king to issue. For then, we learn: "there was - orah, v'sasson,v'simcha, v'yikar - light, joy, celebration and gladness. And it continues - keyn tihiyeh lanu - so may it be for us. We recite this verse weekly in Havdalah as Shabbat ends; in this way our practice is reinforced for challenging times, it's all part of the Jewish healing plan, in my humble opinion. Hear that? So may it be for us. So no need feel guilty about celebrating if that is how your soul handled the news. It's one of the normal human reactions. In Deuteronomy two mitzvot are delineated to address the matter: "Remember what Amalek did to you on the way, upon your departure from Egypt'... 'You shall erase the memory of Amalek from beneath the heavens, you shall not forget.'" Spoofing, stomping, hooting, celebrating, it's all right there in Purim. So, some would counter, how do we account for Proverbs 24:17: "Do not rejoice when your enemy falls, when [your enemy] stumbles, don't have a glad heart." Purim's spiritual practices also underscore that there are difference between the Egyptians (conventional enemies enforcing the laws of their paradigm in the sense of Exodus) and the Amalekites (terrorist, preying on the defenseless), between Haman and say the nations with whom we warred for Israel's 1948 Independence, between a consummately evil terrorist leader who targeted innocents, such as ObL and the heads of state in the Middle East struggle for territory. Amalek is a unique category that teaches us when such folks manifest they are to be wiped out. In fact, the Talmud shows not only Miriam, but also God facilitating celebration in regards to the drowning of Pharaoh and his forces. While in recent decades Talmud Megillah 10b and Sanhedrin 39b have been drashed to opposite effect, it is instructive to look at them (one is in the name of Rabbi Yochanan and the other in the name of Rabbi Yonatan): "And they did not draw near one to the other all that night" - Said Rabbi Y...: The Ministering Angels sought to say the Song. Said the Holy One of Blessing: The works of My hands are drowning in the sea, and you say the Song?! While with this, the Talmudic sages resolve that God does not celebrate the deaths of evil persons, for humans, R'Yose bar Chanina explains that God facilitates our celebration of the death of an evil one. Later in the tradition Shmot Rabbah 23:7, Eliyahu Rabbah, Tanchuma Beshallach 13, and Pirkei de Rabbi Eliezer 41 indicate that God refused the angels' praise because the Jews were not yet home free, not because the Egyptians were drowning. These have God saying not that "the works of My hand are drowning in the sea," but rather "My children" or "My legions" are at risk in the sea. And, playing in the background is the Book of Proverbs 11:10, (in Hebrew, Mishlei) which observes: "When the wicked are destroyed there is rejoicing." Trauma requires thoughtful therapeutic attention, multi-modal integration and release - collective and individual. The Jewish people are very aware of this. And for some, silence is the only sane response in a seemingly insane world. For those who fell silent, like Aaron, as in marriage, prayerful marinating in the torah of our experience is part of knowing God. Our tradition gives us a further sense of how hard it is to be God, no less to aspire to the level of Godly compassion. The sages imagined a time when God asked for a blessing of Rabbi Yishmael b. Elisha, a High Priest: Rabbi Yishmael b. Elisha said: I once entered the innermost part of the Temple to offer incense and I saw that God, the Lord of Hosts, was seated on a high and lofty throne. He said to me: Yishmael, My son, bless me. I said to Him: May it be Your will that Your compassion should suppress Your anger and that Your compassion prevail over all Your other attributes so that You should treat Your children with the attribute of mercy and You should stop short of the strict letter of the law for them. And God nodded to me with His head. [Translation of Hershey Friedman, from his article in Thalia: Studies in Literary Humor, Vol. 17, March 1998, 36-50.] Embracing a Bigger God While a Jewish Federation executive, I also directed a small Holocaust archive, filming the depositions of survivors and Allied soldiers who lived in Cumberland County New Jersey. A woman who survived Auschwitz told me that when the Nazis would tell the Jews at line-up to sing, that they would do so from the Haggadah, intoning the V'hi Sheh'amda: And this it is which has stood by our ancestors and us. For it was not one alone who rose against us to annihilate us, but in every generation there are those who rise against us to annihilate us. But the Holy One, blessed Be, ever saves us from their hands. As time went on, I mentioned to her an understanding of the Shmei Rabba, the Great Name, the Tetragrammaton. The Name is composed of every form of the verb "To Be." And it occurred to me then that perhaps God consciousness represents the Infinite Potential for Change embedded within creation. At that she wept to have a face of God in which she, a survivor of the greatest of the Shoah's horrors, could believe. Also in this way, we can reread Abraham negotiating for Sodom and Gemorra and Moses using the 13 attributes, and even Reb Levi Yitchak's Kaddish where he stroshers (threatening through pressure) the Holy One of Blessing. Levels of Consciousness - Which, When, Why? In discussion of the Purim practice of becoming spiritually intoxicated "ad lo yada," until one cannot distinguish between Blessed be Mordechai, and Blessed be Haman, Rabbi Eli Fisher on his blog teaches two perspectives that are apropos our questions. One is that being non-judgmental is an important skill up to the point that it becomes a value that makes judgment and justice impossible on this plane of being. There is right and wrong from which we live here. Rabbi Fisher describes another level of consciousness. He teaches that the Ishbitzer school of Hasidus addressed a 'aveirah lishmah - a sin done for its own sake,' as part of introducing the category of "beyond-good-and-evil." In this, once one achieves a state of consciousness where all is perceived as pure manifestation of God, we no longer experience ourselves as autonomous beings, rather as a being of God's pure, instinctive 'ratzon-desire'. In this state, "ad lo yada" means experiencing Haman as coming from that place. It means experience the holy Midwife, the face of God, in every character of life and Torah, where harsh behaviors also shape who we are becoming. Hmm. Could that perhaps be why if one sees Buddha on the road the injunction is to slay him? It was perhaps from such a perspective that acts like the suicides by Jewish communities during the crusades were later prohibited by the rabbis. Which is a long way around to the words of King David in Psalm 97:10, "You who love God, hate evil." What Would Maimonides Do? If evil is the differential between a conventional enemy and a rearing of the face of Amalek, then is it justice to track down and kill those who take up with Al Qaeda? Judaism offers a framework for contemplating this issue. David Hartman and Jonathan Molino, in Judaism and Modernity, point us to Hilchot Melachim vi, 1 and 4, where Maimonides expresses the view that only those who turn down the opportunity for peace, once offered, must be killed. They note that in his Guide to the Perplexed, Maimonides carefully upholds the humanity of every person, focusing on behavior, while respecting personhood. For Maimonides, when "Amalekites" agree to and actually change their behavior, when they honor the Noachide laws of ethical living that pertain to all of humanity, they are not to be killed. (A fine would be levied in his model, if the situation occurred in the Land of Israel.) Here the Rambam becomes a holy game-changer focusing on justice and serious shift. My hubbatzin, Barry Bub asks as he reads my numerous wrestling drafts of this article: "Isn't that essential,...to still search for the humanity in the followers of bin Laden? To offer them a chance to change? Aren't, Barry asked, many likely to be brainwashed young people, or impoverished foot soldiers most happy to receive minimal pay? Yes and the alienated and ignorant and those lost on path...surely some, and clearly not all. Some are just as sociopathic as ObL, at least based on their behaviors. While Torah enjoins us to act for life, to save ourselves, how we do that surely requires that we and those representing us be careful and humble in judging even while maintaining full pursuit. How do we proceed now, knowing that the Berlin wall fell; apartheid ended. Wonders do happen. A Jewish state was voted into existence by the United Nations after we were nearly annihilated by Hitler's forces, The Infinite Potential for Change, Be Blessed. So it is to Emunah - faith, that is HaMakom - the Place to which this investigation presently lands. You know as well as I, that even among friends, we have to be holy mirrors to help keep one another ethically aligned, and few if any among us are likely inclined toward evil action. Even though we are so far in our evolution from the level our sages ascribe to God consciousness at It's best, I invite you to pause and imagine R'Chanina formulating a prayer for us. Nu? Please share. What did your spiritual imagination have him pray? Trust what comes. Written in memory of Andrew J. Alameno, the son of my 1980's ski partners - Dr. Carmen and Grace Alameno. Andy was murdered during the 9/11 assault on the World Trade Center. |
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