Kids, Bad Things Happen to Good People

Today is Yom HaShoah, Holocaust Remembrance Day. Around the world, the day is marked with ceremonies and somberness, memorial sirens and reflection. The kids will talk about it in school. In Israel, shops and places of entertainment close early, and regular TV programming gives way to Holocaust-related broadcasts.

 

Recently, Israel’s Education Ministry announced a Holocaust curriculum that would begin in kindergarten. Many protested, deeming the 5-year-old set as “too young” to be learning about such atrocities.

 

In a different story, my hometown of Modiin recently lost one of its citizen. Baruch Mizrahi, the Israeli Police Chief Superintendent, was murdered on his way to Passover seder with his family. Traveling to his in-laws a few hours before Passover began, a terrorist opened fire on a road near Hebron, fatally wounding Mizrahi (who was still able to continue driving and get his family out of harm’s way before succumbing to his wounds). He was laid to rest on the first day of chol hamoed, the intermediate days of the holiday. Shiva, the week of mourning, was postponed until after Passover in accordance with Jewish law.

 

My daughter pointed out, in the way children have of focusing on strange, yet strangely important, things: “Wow. Now Pesach will never be happy for them.” Mizrahi was the father of five, three of whom attend the local elementary schools in Modiin. Friends of mine, who have children in the same school as the Mizrahi children, said the schools sent emails during Passover, imploring parents to speak to their children about this tragedy. The schools planned to speak to the children when school restarted, but wanted the kids to be prepared and have some context to understand the tragedy.

 

My friend was shocked that some parents did not want to speak to their children about what happened. “They are too young,” some mothers protested. “I want to shield them from this kind of thing as long as possible,” others justified.

 

The question is, whether it’s the Shoah or terrorism: How do we expect our kids to relate to tragedies? Do we expect them not to relate at all? Is our goal to protect or prepare them? Of course, our instinct is to wrap our arms around them and tell them everything is okay and the world is a wonderful place and people are nice. But is that sheltering helpful or harmful?

 

Education is a spiral. You learn addition every year, but in first grade you’re doing 2+2, then it’s 22+34 then it’s order of operations and then adding fractions and then finding “x” and then things that I can’t do because I never got past algebra. The same basic properties, but geared toward a child’s level of ability. The child grows with it, as his or her understanding and knowledge increase.

 

The same is true with life lessons. I’ve never had “the talk” with my 11-year-old. Does she thinks storks bring the babies? Of course not; it’s just that there was never one “the talk.” It’s been a series of mini conversations over the years that we have and continue to have, the discussion changing subtly based on her ability, understanding and knowledge.

 

The same is true of anything we wish to educate our children about, no matter how uncomfortable or sad. It’s a spiral. We begin at an early age to provide context, a solid foundation. Perhaps not even saying more than a few words. Then, as our child, and their understanding, grow, we add layers, nuance, details.

 

Because we cannot shield kids from stuff, no matter how bad. What we can do is give them a safe place to talk about it, give them the framework to understand it, explain it to them using age-appropriate terms and facts. And we can educate them on our terms, rather than waiting for them to overhear tidbits from friends or the news—and it is inevitable that they will, and then who knows how they might react?

 

We are our children’s protectors, and we need to make them feel secure. So, when we talk about these “bad things,” we make sure to tell them about police and the IDF—and Mommy and Daddy, of course—who are there day and night, safeguarding us. But we are also their educators. To ignore a very real part of life, or leave it for others to tell them about, does our children a great disservice in shaping who they become and how they view the world.

 

We are never too young to never forget.