Marriage: A Work in Progress

A post about love, in honor of Tu B’Av, our Jewish quasi-Valentine’s Day (which was last week) and dedicated to my parents, whose 39th anniversary we celebrated with a party last night.

 

My parents are kind of like Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner. And not only because they also have the same flavor children and my dad has all his hair. It’s because of something Ben Affleck said a few months ago. During his Oscar acceptance speech, he got into trouble by thanking his wife and announcing that the two of them “work” on their marriage.

Whaaaa … ??? cried the collective public. “Marriage” and “work?” Those two things don’t go together, silly! Marriage and romance, yes. Marriage and love-struck, yes. Those make sense. But work? That sounds so … boring! Also hard!

 

But also true. In fact, the only things in life that don’t require work are things that are stagnant. Your pet rock, for example. (Why do you have a pet rock, though? No worries, I’m not judging). Your pet rock will be the same forever and ever and needs no special attention. Marriage, however, is a living, breathing thing, and as it grows and changes, it requires—demands—that its participants grow and change along with it.

 

Because anyone who’s been married for even few years can attest that marriage is not the same on your wedding day as it is one year later, 10 years later, 20 years later, 39 years later. In many ways a “young” marriage is as different from an “old” marriage” as a tiny, scrunched-up infant is different from the stubble-faced, tall young man he one day becomes. The essence is the same, but the thing itself is so much older, wiser and deeper.

 

After all, how can you or your marriage be the same after experiencing 40 years of life together? Having children and losing parents. Changing jobs. New houses and new neighborhoods. Hospitals and sicknesses, sleepless nights and money worries, babies crying and teenagers sulking … Then, watching those babies and teenagers begin their own lives with children and homes of their own (sometimes very, very far away). Then, suddenly,picking up and moving to Israel.

 

How you and your spouse respond to these changes—that’s the “work” part. The work is talking, comforting, supporting, disagreeing, arguing, resolving, giving space, growing and laughing. And knowing, no matter what, that you will be there for each other and with each other.

 

I used to think, when I was younger, that my parents had a “perfect marriage.” Always so strong, able to get through anything and still make each other laugh. But I realized in my wise old age that not only is that not true, “perfection” is not even a goal. Perfection implies no work, no messiness, no rough patches. And during all that living, there are going to be rough patches. Even moments when you say to yourself, “You? I’m stuck with you for the rest of my life?” And then you answer yourself, “Yep. Because even when things suck, I’d rather be with you than not be with you.”

 

My parents’ marriage is not perfect. (Perfect doesn’t exist, except in a scoop of Ben & Jerry’s New York Super Fudge Chunk ice cream with whipped cream on the side). But it is whole, together, loving and strong. That they have reached this milestone is due to their hard work throughout the years, along with a healthy dose of faith in God, themselves and each other.

 

So congrats, you guys! And here’s to the next 39!