Seven Guidelines for Making a Shiva Visit

My husband recently lost his father. We left Israel very suddenly and were able to be at my father-in-law’s bedside in the US just a few hours before he passed away. As my husband and his siblings sat shiva, I was able to observe how many people are uncomfortable with what to do and say when making a shiva visit.

 

In order to help make the experience a bit less uncomfortable, I’ve come up with a few guidelines that I hope will be of help. Since shiva is related to sheva, which is the Hebrew word for seven, here are my top seven guidelines for making a shiva visit that offers comfort to the bereaved.

 

#1 Respect silence. A shiva call is not a social visit. Sometimes, mourners will want to talk, but sometimes they won’t. Some mourners feel obligated to engage their visitors in conversation. Doing so for seven days in a row can be very tiring for the mourners. Even if you sit in sympathetic silence for all or most of your visit, the important thing is that you came to console. Just your presence is often enough.

 

#2 Share memories. If you are going to engage the mourners in conversation, there are certain topics that are always safe. If you knew the deceased personally, come prepared to share stories of memories you have. If you have pictures with the deceased, bring them along as well.

 

#3 Ask questions about the deceased. If you didn’t know the deceased personally, asking questions about their life is appropriate. Where were they born? What kind of work did they do? What values did they pass on? It is also appropriate to ask to see photos.

 

#4 Take cues from the mourners. Some shiva houses are sad. Some are uplifting. Some are filled with laughter and warm memories. And some are all of these things depending on the day and time. You can’t know what to expect until you’re sitting across from the mourner. Your job is to mirror the mood of the mourners, so be prepared to take cues from the atmosphere once you arrive.

 

#5 Ask for permission to hug, kiss or touch the mourners. Unless you are very close to one of the mourners, ask before you touch. Over the course of shiva, there can be visits from people who knew the deceased but who are unfamiliar to the mourners. Not all mourners are comfortable being hugged and kissed by people they don’t know well, so it’s generally best to ask.

 

#6 Limit your visit. A meaningful shiva visit can be completed in 10 or 15 minutes, especially when there are other people waiting. Depending on the crowd, you may have to wait a bit to be able to make contact with the mourners, but once you’ve expressed your condolences, there is no need to linger, unless you have reason to believe that your presence is particularly comforting or a mourner has specifically asked you to stay.

 

#7 Don’t talk about yourself. This is a corollary to Guideline #1. A shiva call is not a social visit. Given the nature of shiva, it may have been a long time since you’ve been in touch with the mourners. This is not the time to catch up.  Your job is to offer solace. Of course, as a corollary to Guideline #4, if a mourner asks you about your life, it’s certainly proper to respond. But don’t let catching up dominate your visit.

 

I hope these guidelines are helpful the next time you have the opportunity to pay a shiva visit and comfort those who have recently lost someone they love.