Sex Talk

I came across a blog recently in which a woman was discussing her very personal struggle with a condition that makes sexual intercourse extremely painful. The blog was anonymous, which may not come as a surprise, given the topic. But the writer was an Orthodox Jewish woman. Which may come as a surprise, given the topic.

This woman was a virgin until marriage, so the problem only came to light when she attempted to be intimate with her husband on their wedding night. And failed, night after night.
One reason she started this blog was to get her message “out there.”

What message?

Painful gynecologic conditions, such as vaginismus (among others), do exist.

Sex should not be so painful that it brings you to tears.

If “Just relax,” doesn’t seem to be the advice you need, get out there and find a knowledgeable doctor.

Treatments, both medical and surgical, can help and maybe even cure the problem completely.

And the message that this topic is painfully absent from sex education in the Jewish community.

In the Jewish community in general, and the Orthodox one in particular, sex is a taboo topic. It is often not talked about until a couple is ready for marriage. And even after marriage, aspects of a couple’s sex life are kept private, to be discussed between husband and wife and no one else. For the most part, this makes sense. Sex is the most private, intimate, and in Judaism’s view, holy act a couple can do. So it follows that we don’t want to cheapen it by blabbing about bedroom antics with our friends.

However, I think there is a downside to this as well. One, as this brave blogger has shown us, is that women suffering from something terrible, yet treatable, may suffer in silence for years, because they think it’s normal. Maybe sex is like this for all their friends; how could they know, when no one talks about it?

And I think this goes even further.

Women (and yes, I am making sweeping generalizations here, but I am a woman, and have known many in my lifetime, so I consider myself somewhat of an expert), need to process whatever’s going on in their life by talking about it with friends. From the time we were young, we discussed and processed everything with friends: The teacher we hope to get, cute boys, the problem with parents.

This processing-through-talking continues later in life as well: The job we hope to get, cute kids, the problem with in-laws. Yet one topic remains strictly taboo: sex.

When I had been married for a year, a good friend was preparing for her wedding. She confided in me one day that a married friend of hers wanted to give her “advice” about the wedding night. Which became a detailed (one-sided) discussion about what went on in the bedroom. My friend was horrified that this person was sharing such intimate details.

I agreed, and nodded my head. But inside I understood. Women have no one to talk to about this private, and very important, aspect of their lives. So her friend grabbed this “kosher” reason to talk about it, under the guise of advice. I understood.

I’ve often joked to a friend that we need to start a blog that allows Jewish women from across the spectrum to talk about their sex lives in an anonymous forum. Whether it’s mikvah stories (and everyone’s got ‘em), or more general talk (birth control, suffering from tootireditis, the time the baby cried in the middle…), having a forum for women to talk and share could be cathartic. Certainly, a woman suffering from a condition such as vaginismus would appreciate a place she could share her experiences and listen to others’.

Maybe I’m just a product of the TMI generation, but I’ve found that talking about things going on in my life, from the mundane to the dramatic, has helped me deal with it better. This is true about kids and jobs and relationships—why shouldn’t it also be true about sex?